Computer Jokes Dai Ode, the welsh policeman was busy. Spike vol-
tage had escaped from the cells and was currently resisting
arrest. Someone had left the gate open and he had escaped
through the drain. Dai Ode was confident that he would soon run
Spike to the ground. Various sources had informed him that Spike
had taken a short cut to the bus terminal in a desperate bid to
get 'ome. His line of enquiry involved following Spike's tracks
and using his fetish for apples and chips. With a bit of luck
he'll swallow a core and choke said Dai. That should increase the
capacity of the cells.
____________________
Riddle: (Phhhttt.)
How is a blotter like a lazy dog?
A blotter is an ink-lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
And a slow pup is a lazy dog.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Umm.
____________________
Q. How many IBM mainframes does it take to shift left once?
A. 33. Thirty two to hold all the bits down, and one
to push the register over.
____________________
How many IBM mainframes does it take to execute an instruction?
Four to hold it down, and one to beat it over the head until it's
a bloody pulp.
Hey, so what. It knew the RISCs.
____________________
I was talking with a computer programer one day. We got on the
subject of families so he brought out his wollet and showed off
his family pictures. He started "This is Kid_girl_1 this is
Kid_girl_2, Kid_boy_1. This is my dog, Dog_1 and my cat
Cat_1......" I interupted him and said " why does your family
have such wierd names ?" "Meaningful identifiers" he answered.
____________________
Let's say your car gets a tremendous hole in the door. If you
weld a piece of scrap metal over the hole -- that's a patch. If
you tape a piece of paper over the hole -- that's a kludge. But,
if you leave the hole there and label it "air conditioning" --
Now *thats* programming.
____________________
Q: What kind of interfaces do the computers at Old McDonald's have?
A: EIA I/O
Which reminds me about the fellow who loved Unix and was pretty
good at it. So good, in fact, that he was promoted about a year
after he joined the company. He did well in management, and
climbed the ladder steadily, until, after about 10 years, he was
the president of the company. One day, Jim, a Unix programmer who
had joined the company about the same time as the president was
visiting him in his large, well-furnished office. Jim entered
without knocking, and was surprised to find the president with
his head in his hands, discouraged. After some conversation, the
president admitted that he'd give almost anything to go back to
the lab and be a Unix hacker again. His friend, inspired, said
"Well, why don't you? You can go back to the lab if you want
to!." The president looked up and said, "I'm surprised at you,
Jim. Haven't you learned yet that there can be no return from a
successful exec?"
(type "$ man 2 exec" in sh mode to understand this one)
____________________
Defn. FIG NEWTON
The unit of force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per
second.
____________________
IBM,
UBM,
We all BM
For IBM
______________________________________________________________________
Ethnic Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Ethnic Jokes There were these two blacks walking down a downtown
street. They came to a store that had a big sign out front say-
ing "For only 99 cents become white for the rest of your life."
They looked at each other and decided to go for it. One of them
had $1.00 and the other only had 98 cents. The one with the dol-
lar said, "Look, I'll go first with my $1.00. When I get done,
I'll give you my extra penny and you can go then." The other
said, "OK." So, the first one went in and in a little while came
out white. The other was so excited he started jumping up and
down and saying, "Come on man. Give me my penny so I can go get
white!" The first one looked at him and said, "F**k off, you
nigger!"
____________________
Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all black
class. Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class;
"Every Thursday afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you
get the answer correct the entire class can have Friday off." The
class murmers with excitement. "OK, class", she announces, "How
many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?". The class murmbers in
dissapointment as they look to each other for help. "Ok, class,
see you tomorrow", announces the teacher. Later the next week.
"OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many
gallens of water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach. And
again the class murmers in disappointment. Well, there is little
Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of the next rolls
around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks into his
fathers shop to spray paint them black. As test time rolls around
the teacher says; "time for our little weekly quiz, children". At
which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket and rolls
them toward the front of the class. "OK, who is the comedian with
the black balls?" shouts the teacher. "Bill Cosby. See Ya on Mon-
day", retorts Gregory In a slow going train, sat the two guys in
waiting for the jouney to finish, a yellow skinned chinese and a
jew. Some time passed and the jew rose up and slapped the chinese
on his face. "Hey, that's exaggeration I would say!!" protested
the chinese. "Why did you do that, god dammit ?!" And the jew
responded: "That was for Pearl Harbour." "But what are you talk-
ing about? Pearl harbour was attacked by the Japs, and I am from
China." And the answer: "Chinese, Japanese, all the same..." Four
minutes silently passed, and the Chinese rose up and kicked the
jew in the ribs. The jew was more than surprised and asked: "And
that, what's that for?" "That was for the Titanic." "Well,
surprise, isn't it?" The jew asks astounded. "But the Titanic
was hit by an iceberg, why am I to blame?" "The chinese thinks a
moment and says, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, all the same..."
____________________
Q: What would "Toys 'R' Us" be called if it were run by blacks?
A: "We Be Toys 'N' Shit!" One spring a very well to do, uppity
white mom decided she would throw a beautiful high school gradua-
tion party for her daughter and her daughter's friends. Of
course, the daughter attended an all girl's school, so mom wanted
to get some fine young gentlemen to be escorts at the party. She
decided to call the nearby naval base to see if some young cadets
would be willing to attend the party. She got in touch with a
sergeant at the base and explained what she wanted. "And one last
thing," she added. "Don't send any Mexicans, I don't want any
Mexicans at this party. Do you understand?" The Sergeant told
her yes, and not to worry. Finally the big evening arrived and
mom was excited. At 7:30 sharp there came a knock on the door.
"Ah, the gentlemen are right on time," she thought as she opened
the door. Standing at the door was a young cadet, dressed very
handsomely in his uniform, with about 25 cadets behind him. All
were black. Horrified, the mother shut the door and ran to the
phone. She dialed the base again and reached a private on the
other end. "I want to speak to the Sergeant who sent all these
black people to my daughter's graduation party!" she screamed.
"He's not here, ma'am, may I be of some help?" replied the
private. "Well," she gasped, "There has been a horrible mistake!
I asked for some young men to act as escorts at my daughter's
party, and that sergeant sent black people!" "Oh, no, ma'am,"
said the private, "I'm sure everything is in order. Sergeant Ro-
driguez never makes mistakes!"
Rec.Humor
Miscellanious Jokes
____________________
Prompted by the recent Trojans/Beavers headlines.
In the late 40's the Hooker Chemical Co. of upstate NY dumped a
lot of toxic waste in an area near Niagara Falls known as Love
Canal. Hooker resisted the NYS Department of Environmental
Conservation's cleanup order forcing the DEC to go to court.
Hence the Middletown, NY paper, the Times-Herald Record, had the
following headline in the late 1970's:
"State sues Hooker over contaminated Love Canal"--
.PP The phone rang in the Army-base motor pool. "What kind of
transportation do you have available?" a gruff voice asked. "Just
and old jeep that fat-ass general rides around in," came the re-
ply. "Do you know who this is?" "No, I don't" "This is General
Reynolds and that is my jeep, soldier!" he bellowed. "Do you know
who this is?" the GI asked. "No, I don't!" "Then goodbye, fat-
ass."
____________________
A police officer arrived at the scene of an accident, and was
greeted by an overturned car with a gory mess all over the
windscreen. Realizing he was out of his league, he called for an
ambulance, and then slowly walked over to the car. "Are you all
right in there?" he called, not expecting an answer. A head
popped out of the car's window. "Yeah, I'm fine," the man said,
"but the pizza sure is a mess."
____________________
A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They
could muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth.
In desperation they called on a new member, an Englishman, to
join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to
bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the bark.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!" The British-
er turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run,"
he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you
chaps another ball."
____________________
There's a terrible accident involving a trucker and a yuppie. The
trucker has run into the side of the yuppies's BMW virtually des-
troying the car. The yuppie staggers out of the car, bleeding
profusely and with both arms severed at the shoulder and yells,
"My car! My car!" The truck driver says "My God man, how can you
be worried about your car at a time like this?" "Both of your
arms are severed at the shoulder!" The yuppie looks at where his
arms used to be and yells, "My Rolex!, My Rolex!"
____________________
The Prof. enters the classroom, looks around and bids his charges
a hearty the sophmores mutter 'Morning!', The juniors grunt, and
the seniors simply write down the Prof's greeting in their notes.
____________________
A customer goes into a store and asks a clerk where the envelopes
are. The clerk says, "I'll see" and goes off somewhere else.
After waiting a while for the clerk to come back, our man asks
the same question to another clerk. This one says, "I'll see" and
also leaves. After another short wait, the customer asks the
manager the same question. This time, however, he stomps out of
the store when the manager replies, "Aisle C".
____________________
A man is walking in an empty residential area street. The night
is a bit windy and the sky is clear with a full moon. As he
passes in front of the grave yard he hears a weak weak voice cal-
ling for help: "Help, help please..." The man is scared to death.
But the voice is weak but clear and for sure it is coming from
the grave yard. He goes inside and tries to locate the voice
which continues: "Over here, over here they buried me alive.
Help..." Our hero finally sees something: a human finger sticking
out of the soil in a freshly dug grave. "Oh, poor man," our hero
says while gently pushing the finger back into the earth like
putting out a cigarette. "Not only this, they have done a lousy
job too!"
____________________
A man goes to the doctor because he's got a tapeworm. The doctor
informs him that there is only one way to get rid of the ta-
peworm. The man agrees and says that he'll do anything to get
rid of it. So the Doctor tells him to push a hardboiled egg and 2
saltine crackers up his butt for 2 weeks. Two weeks pass and now
the man is back at the doctor office. Now what? The doctor has
the man place 2 saltine crackers up his butt and when the ta-
peworm sticks his head out to ask where the egg was, the doctor
grabs 'em!
____________________
Old Amos and Joe are playing checkers one afternoon, when Amos
gets a puzzled look on his face. "What's wrong, Amos?" asks Joe.
"Well, Joe, today I just can't seem to remember how old I am." "I
can figure that one out for you," claims Joe. "Drop your pants."
So Amos drops his pants, and Joe reaches out and gently cradles
Amos's testicles in one hand. He fondles them for a few minutes,
staring thoughtfully off into space, then pronounces, "You're
82!" "Why -- I believe you're right!" exclaims Amos. "How'd you
figure that out, Joe?" Joe looks up at Amos and, still cradling
Amos's balls in one hand, says, "You told me yesterday."
____________________
A hunter was walking along in a dense forest, with a gun in his
hand. Suddenly he came upon a stunningly beautiful woman, totally
naked. She smiled seduct- ively at him, and he said: "Are you
game?". "Yes", she said, invitingly. And so he shot her...
____________________
This man strikes up a conversation with a lovely looking woman in
a bar. After 10 min. of great conversation the woman suddenly
yells "A motel Room?!" Now, let's face it, the man is stunned and
he wimpers over to the corner booth and begins to drink heavily.
Later the same woman comes back to him and explains that she is
studying Psycology at the University and was performing a study
about how people react to different situations. She appologizes
and comments how much she really likes the man after all and
would like to get to know him better. The man then yells "50 dol-
lars?!?!!"
____________________
In much the same vein, how did Canada get it's name? Well, back
in 1867, Sir John A. MacDonald and the boys were down in Char-
lottetown, P.E.I. drafting up the British North America Act.
(no flames, please -- history is not my long suit) They
couldn't agree on a name, so Sir JAM suggested drawing letters
out of a hat. Everyone agreed, the hat was loaded and Sir Wilfred
St. Laurent picked the letters as John A. wrote them down ... "C,
eh?" "N, eh?" "D, eh?"
____________________
____________________
What do you get if you have nuts on the wall?
Wallnuts
What do you get if you have nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you get if you have nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth
____________________
There were these two kids going uphill on a bike. The hill was
quite steep and the guy driving the bike had to make a lot of ef-
fort to really make the thing move. The other guy sitting on the
front was also making some effort on his own. Finally after much
huffing and puffing they made it to the top. The guy driving ex-
claimed," Boy, that was a real steep hill." The other replied,"
You bet it was. If I hadn't kept the brakes pressed all along we
would be at the bottom of the hill by now".
____________________
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: The fox on her back, the jaguar in her driveway,
the tiger in her bed, and the donkey who pays for it all.
____________________
A female golf tyro was stung by a bee while playing one day. She
stopped playing and immediately called her doctor (who was also
her golf mentor) and said that she had just been stung while
playing and what did he think. He asked where she had been stung
and she replied that she had been stung somewhere between the
first and second holes. He responded "I think your stance is too
wide".
____________________
The Chinese Leader, Dog Chow Ping, today hired the Joe Isuzu Ad
agency in the hopes of convincing the world that no one was shot
in Bejing.
____________________
A husband (H) and wife (W) were talking about death. "Honey, if I
died before you, would you get remarried?" "Well," (Thinks) "Yes,
I guess I probably would." "Well, If I died before you, and you
got remarried, would you and your new wife live in our house?"
"Ummm... Yes, we probably would." "Well, if I died before you,
and you got remarried, and the two of you lived here, in our
house, would you sleep in our bed?" (Thinks again) "I think
that's a possibility, anyway." "Well, if I died before you, and
you got remarried, and the two of you lived here, in our house,
and you slept in our bed, would you let her use my golf clubs?"
"Naw, she's left handed..."
____________________
Two men were sitting in a restaurant overlooking a department
store window. The first says: "See those two women at the shop-
ping window across the street?... One is my wife and the other my
mistress." "Really?" says the other man, "You took the words
right out of my mouth!"
____________________
A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set
upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding
and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he
summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the
assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his at-
tackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all
happened so fast". When the ark finally came to rest, Noah opened
the doors and commanded the animals, "Go forth, and multiply."
All of the animals promptly left, except for the two snakes,
which just huddled together in the corner. Noah approached them:
"I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." "We can't," said
one of the snakes. "We're the adders." "So, go forth and collect
driftwood." And they do. "Now build me a table of the wood."
And they do. "Now, with this table of logs even adders can multi-
ply."
Political Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Political Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Political Jokes George Bush fell into a deep sleep, much like the
sleep Rip Van Winkle experienced (No, this is not a Dan Quayle
joke). When he woke up 25 years later, he saw his old friend
James Baker. George asked how the U.S. was. "Well," James Baker
replied, "We have a 1.2% unemployment rate, a budget surplus, a
booming economy, and a healthly savings and loan association."
"Gee," said George, "then how much does a cup of coffee cost?"
"Only a hundred yen."
____________________
______________________________________________________________________
Political Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Political Jokes
"Dick Nixon. Before he Dicks You!"
DON'T CHANGE DICKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCREW, VOTE FOR NIXON IN '72!!
Seen on a bumper sticker in 1972 (Nixon/McGovern election year):
"McGOVERN CAN'T LICK OUR DICKY"
____________________
1) Young Dan Quayle was quite a ladies man back in the days he
was cutting classes in college. His favorite opening line was:
"Hey baby, can my father buy you a drink?"
2) Have you seen the new movie about Dan Quayle's war experi-
ence??? it's called "Full Dinner Jacket"....
3) What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda???
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam....
4) What did Marilyn Quayle say to Dan the morning after the wed-
ding??? "You're no Jack Kennedy"....
5) Why did the chicken cross the road??? To join the National
Guard....
6) What is Dan Quayle's favorite war song??? "Over Here"...
7) Did you hear about the Dan Quayle night at the comedy club???
If your parents call ahead, you get in free....
8) Have you heard the latest Secret Service directive??? If
George Bush gets shot, shoot Dan Quayle...
9) Did you see the TV documentary on Dan Quayle's military
career??? It's called "Thirty Seconds Over Indianapolis"...
10) Have you heard about the Dan Quayle Savings Bond??? There's
no Interest and no Maturity Q: What is George Bush's idea of a
dream date with American public opinion?
A retarded black juvenile out on furlough from a Massachusetts
state prison for drug charges who breaks into a suburban white
family's home, rapes the wife, beats the husband (a veteran), and
then on the way out burns the family's American Flag.
____________________
Q: Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House?
A: Because they chase the Quayles and piss on the Bushes...
Religious Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Religious Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Religious Jokes The pope was very sick, and all the doctors in
the world could not find a cure. Finally, they agreed only one
possible remedy existed: to have sex with a women. The pope was
shocked. How could he possibly have sex with a women! "It's
your only chance" the doctors tell him. "Fine. But I have a few
conditions..." says the pope. "First, she has to be blind.
Second, she must be mute and thirdly she must have big tits." The
doctors were puzzled: "Blind - so she won't know who you are,
fine. Mute - so even if she does find out she couldn't tell any-
one, fine. But why the big tits?" "Oh! That's just the way I
like it...."
____________________
A preist and a nun were playing golf. The preist was having a
bad game and each time he putted he would miss by just a few
inches. As the game wore on, he became frustrated and when he
barely missed a put on the 16th hole, he exclaimed, "Oh shit, I
missed again." The nun was taken aback by this, and she told the
preist to watch his language. On the 17th hole, however, the
preist missed another put and again yelled "Oh shit, I missed
again." The nun became angry, and told the priest that if he
said that again, she would pray to God that the preist's life be
taken. On the 18th hole, the preist had an easy 3 foot put.
When he shot, the ball rolled just short of the hole and stopped.
The preist screamed "Oh shit, I missed again!!" The nun instant-
ly dropped to her knees and started praying. A minute later, a
giant lightning bolt came from the sky and struck the nun dead.
In a booming voice, God said "OH SHIT, I MISSED AGAIN!!"
____________________
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out on their favorite golf
course one day. They are playing a 200 yard par 3 hole. Moses
hits a beautiful shot, on the green about 2 feet from the pin.
"Great shot, Moses!" Jesus says. However, not to be outdone,
Jesus hits one even closer, off the flagstick and resting about 6
inches from the hole. "Fantastic!" Moses and the old man say.
The old man gets up there and hits his shot. He hits a mean
slice into the woods, off a couple trees, then this gopher picks
up the ball and carries it onto the green where he drops it on
the run. The ball feeds right into the hole!!! Moses and Jesus
say, "Nice shot, Dad!" There were these three people in line to
get in heaven, a pope, a lawyer and a doctor. The pope goes up
to saint peter and talks for a second, the st pete sends him off
to a room the equivalent of a $20 a night motel room. The lawyer
goes up and talks a bit and pete looks real excited and gives him
a room only found in $500 dollar a day hotels, with hot-tub, and
everything. The doctor goes up to Saint Peter and says, "Hey, you
gave the pope a crummy room, but you gave that stinking lawyer a
great room, what gives?" "My son, you have to understand. We
have 75 popes up here, but he's our first lawyer."
____________________
According to a mention in the new ``Straight Dope'' book, Jesus
has a middle name, as in ``Jesus H Christ!''
Jesus' middle name is ``Hallmark'', because, you see, God cared
enough to send the very best.
____________________
The adultress is about the be put to death, when Jesus stops them
and says: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." After
a slight pause, a single rock sails in, hitting the woman on the
head. Jesus looks over, and says: "Mom! I'm trying to make a
point here!"
____________________
Three nuns reached the gates of heaven. St. Peter: I will ask a
question to each of you and only if you can answer it
correctly will I let you in.
St. Peter to first nun: Who was the first man? Nun #1: That's an
easy one, Adam. St. Peter to first nun: Good, you may go in.
St. Peter to second nun: Who was the first woman? Nun #2: That's
an easy one, Eve. St. Peter to second nun: Good, you may go in.
St. Peter to third nun: What were Eve's first words to Adam? Nun
#3: Now, that's a hard one....... St. Peter to third Nun: Good,
you may go in.
____________________
The regional sales manager for Kentucky Fried Chicken called on
the Pope for proposition. The sales manager asks the Pope, when
they say grace, instead of blessing our daily bread, that they
bless our daily chicken. The Pope, slightly taken aback by this
unusual proposition, politely declined. The sales manager then
promised the Pope $10 million for the next five years if he would
change the prayer. Still the Pope declined. Okay, okay, how
about $15 million for the next five years? The Pope, realizing
how much cash this was, said OK. But he had to convince the
bishops at the annual ecumenical convention tomorrow. The next
day the Pope walks into the convention and says, "I got some good
news and some bad news. First the good news, We are going to re-
ceive $15 million for the next five years." A loud applause from
the bishops ensued, then the Pope said, "Now for the bad
news....we lost the Wonder Bread account."
____________________
There was a guy who was a big football fan from the Bay Area who
dies sometime not too far in the future. When he gets to the
Pearly Gates he is greeted by St. Peter. While they are doing
the paperwork to admit him into Heaven, the guy looks through the
Pearly Gates and sees a football game going on. He turns to St.
Peter and questions excitedly, "They have football in Heaven?"
St. Peter says, "Of course! Some worthy people like yourself are
big football fans, so as part of your eternal reward you get to
watch great football games." The guy is very pleased and looks
at the game some more as St. Peter continues working on the
forms. Then he says, "And that guy on the sidelines with the
white hair... I think I recognize him! Is that... Bill Walsh?!"
And St. Peter replies, "No, that's God, he just likes to think
he's Bill Walsh!"
____________________
____________________
One day the Pope was on a train, doing a crossword puzzle and he
looked over at a bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a 4
letter word for a female that ends in u-n-t?" "Aunt, your Holi-
ness," answered the bishop. "Thank you. Do you have an eraser?"
Punny Puns Sexually Oriented Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Sexually Oriented Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Sexually Oriented Jokes There was this couple walking thought the
park one rainy afternoon, when the man said that he wanted to
have sex right now in that mud puddle over there. So the wife
said OK. As they were doing it the man asked "Honey, is it in you
or the mud?" His wife replied "It's in the mud, honey." "Well put
it in you, OK?" So after a minute or so the man asked again,
"Honey, is it in you or is it in the mud?" She answers, "It's in
me, dear" "Well put it back in the mud !!!!!" "Mr. Jones, I've
got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your test
results came back. You have incurable and inoperable cancer.
You probably have 6 months to live." "Well......what's the good
news?" Doctor: "Did you see that good looking secretary out
front? I'm boffing her."
____________________
A traveling saleslady was stuck in the Ozark mountains one rainy
day and as it began to get dark she knocked upon the door of a
stranger's house. An old man answered and she inquired if he had
any room for her for the night. He replied, "I only have a spare
room with my two sons, if that'll do." She was more than in-
terested and agreed to sleep in their room. Well, Zed and Jed
(the two sons) were quite to her liking and she suggested that
they all sleep together in the same bed and get it on. "But," she
said, "you'll have to wear these rubbers so that I won't get
pregnant." A few months later, Zed and Jed were on the front
porch lounging around when Zed said, "Jed?" And Jed said, "Yeah
Zed?"
Zed: "Do you care if that laydee has a baybee?"
Jed: "Nah."
Zed: "Then let's take these damn things off."
____________________
A woman steps into an elevator. The man inside asks her "What
floor are you going to?" "The fifth floor, they are giving me $25
to donate blood. What floor are you going to ?" "The seventh
floor, they are paying me $50 to donate sperm" A week later, in
the same elevator, the same woman steps into the elevator and
sees the same man. "Well hello, fancy meeting you here. Going to
the fifth floor?" With her mouth closed and cheeks buldging,
shakes her head "NO" and holds up seven fingers.
____________________
I met this lady in the bar the other day and asked her if she
would like to go back to my place for some sex. She agreed, but
that I needed 12 inches and that I hurt her. I said fine. So
when we got back to my place we had sex twice and I hit her on
the head with a brick.
____________________
A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing. "Where
are you going?" he asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I just learned
that I can earn $200 per night at what I have been doing for you
all these years for free!" she says. So the man also starts pack-
ing. The woman sees this and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm
going to Las Vegas, too," he says. "I want to see how you are
going to live on $400 a year!"
____________________
The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting
of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following ap-
peared a few weeks ago: In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a
few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he
became amorous with one of his cows. The chief Crown witness, the
hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool
behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with
the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over
the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn. Upon
hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and ex-
claimed, "They'll do that every time!"
____________________
So this guy gets home from work and finds his 42 year old
daughter sitting in his easy chair using a vibrator. He asks her
what the hell is going on, and she replies that she's 42, over
weight, not particularily attractive, and without any marriage
prospects. She continues to tell her father that in view of
everything, she thinks that she's entitled to some pleasure in
life. So the next evening she returns home and finds her father
in his easy chair with the ball game on, a beer in one hand, and
her vibrator in the other. She asks her father what HE is doing,
to which he replies, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
____________________
I heard this joke on The Tonight Show told by Super Dave... Two
women bring their dogs to a veterinarian's office. One woman owns
a Great Dane and the other owns a poodle. The woman with the
Great Dane asks the woman with the poodle, "What's wrong with
your dog?" She replies, "I'm getting him fixed. Every time some-
one comes to my house, he jumps on their back and tries to mate
with them. He's constantly in heat!!" The other woman says,
"Really? My dog has the same problem. Every time I bend over to
pick something up, he jumps on my back." The woman with the poo-
dle asks, "Oh! So you getting your dog fixed too?" The woman with
the Great Dane replies, "No! I'm getting his nails cut!" One-
liners
______________________________________________________________________
Oneliners
______________________________________________________________________
Oneliners If you had 10 cents and only five minutes to live, what
would you buy? A roll of Life Savers.
____________________
Most London police don't carry guns or clubs, only whistles. So
when they chase a crook, they have to say, "Stop, or I'll toot!"
____________________
Q: Anybody know why Rock Hudson couldn't get car insurance ?
A: Cause he'd been rear ended too many times.
____________________
Your brain is Soooo Small (how small is it?)..
That if you put it on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a pea
rolling down a 4 lane highway.
Definitely *not* seen on the streets in Tehran:
"A friend of mine went to Tehran and
all I got was this lousy death shroud".
____________________
Know the most effective form of birth control for those over 40?
Nudity.
____________________
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
____________________
What do homosexuals call hemoraids?
Speed bumps.
Q: What's the best thing that comes out of Texas? A: I-35
Q: What do you call a man that mixes morter with a pitchfork? A:
A morter forker.
____________________
Did ya hear about the three gay judges who tried each other?
How about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
____________________
If your foot crosses the base line when you are serving it is
called "foot fault." Well if you slip and fall on the base line
while you are serving, is it called "asphalt?"
____________________
"If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with a light on, does a hard
sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?"
____________________
Never go to a brain surgeon who cuts himself shaving Ever wonder
what God's resume looks like? "Self employed for Seven Thousand
Years...." My car is sooo slow. I was on the freeway today and I
was passed by a biker gang on mopeds. He's the kinda guy that
picks up a hooker and pays her $20 to blow his mind. What kind of
sexist network is this?? Why is there a 'man' command and no
____________________
Q) What is the definition of "Male Chauvinist Pig?"
A) A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own.
____________________
Seen on a foxy lady's tee-shirt:
As the Hurricane said to the Palm Tree,
"Hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't no ordinary blow job!"
____________________
Give to the Obese Student College Fund: A waist is a terrible
thing to mind.
____________________
Q: When cavemen would whack women over the head with a club,
why did they drag them back to the cave by the hair?
A: Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill
up with rocks.
____________________
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the zebra....
Ok, OK, so its dumb.
____________________
What's the difference between an English football (soccer) match
and the Ayatollah's funeral?
They serve beer at the football match
____________________
"American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's **cking close
to water."
____________________
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Scares the hell out of the dogs.
____________________
What's the title of Rob Lowe's next movie?
_Close Encounters of the Third Grade_
What do Rob Lowe and black lung disease have in common?
They can both be found in miners (minors).
Q: Who does Rob Lowe most want to work with?
A: Drew Barrymore.
What is Rob Lowe's favorite TV show?
"Eight is Enough"
____________________
Q: Did you hear about the newlyweds who mistook Vaseline for window putty?
A: All their windows fell out.
____________________
Cheers line:
Sam: "How's life treating you, Normie?"
Norm: "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
____________________
If your foot crosses the base line when you are serving it is
called "foot fault." Well if you slip and fall on the base line
while you are serving, is it called "asphalt?"
____________________
Our favorite was :
"Take me down to the Martian city
Where the girls are green and the grass is pretty..."
____________________
Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?
Because they had just finished a 31 day March.
____________________
In joke for folks in the Bay Area:
What does four years of paying tuition and a degree from Stanford get you?
A reserved spot in Peoples' Park.
____________________
After all is said and done, more is said than done
____________________
Did you hear there is a new drink for newlyweds just out?? Its
called the Honeymoon Cocktail.
Ingredients: 7-up and Cider. (say it fast)
Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour?
A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size.
____________________
Muzakognition: The realization 10 minutes later that a tune was
supposed to be smoke on the water.
____________________
Q: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
A: Anyone can mash potatoes.
Ethnic Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Ethnic Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Ethnic Jokes There were these two blacks walking down a downtown
street. They came to a store that had a big sign out front say-
ing "For only 99 cents become white for the rest of your life."
They looked at each other and decided to go for it. One of them
had $1.00 and the other only had 98 cents. The one with the dol-
lar said, "Look, I'll go first with my $1.00. When I get done,
I'll give you my extra penny and you can go then." The other
said, "OK." So, the first one went in and in a little while came
out white. The other was so excited he started jumping up and
down and saying, "Come on man. Give me my penny so I can go get
white!" The first one looked at him and said, "F**k off, you
nigger!"
____________________
Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all black
class. Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class;
"Every Thursday afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you
get the answer correct the entire class can have Friday off." The
class murmers with excitement. "OK, class", she announces, "How
many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?". The class murmbers in
dissapointment as they look to each other for help. "Ok, class,
see you tomorrow", announces the teacher. Later the next week.
"OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many
gallens of water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach. And
again the class murmers in disappointment. Well, there is little
Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of the next rolls
around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks into his
fathers shop to spray paint them black. As test time rolls around
the teacher says; "time for our little weekly quiz, children". At
which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket and rolls
them toward the front of the class. "OK, who is the comedian with
the black balls?" shouts the teacher. "Bill Cosby. See Ya on Mon-
day", retorts Gregory In a slow going train, sat the two guys in
waiting for the jouney to finish, a yellow skinned chinese and a
jew. Some time passed and the jew rose up and slapped the chinese
on his face. "Hey, that's exaggeration I would say!!" protested
the chinese. "Why did you do that, god dammit ?!" And the jew
responded: "That was for Pearl Harbour." "But what are you talk-
ing about? Pearl harbour was attacked by the Japs, and I am from
China." And the answer: "Chinese, Japanese, all the same..." Four
minutes silently passed, and the Chinese rose up and kicked the
jew in the ribs. The jew was more than surprised and asked: "And
that, what's that for?" "That was for the Titanic." "Well,
surprise, isn't it?" The jew asks astounded. "But the Titanic
was hit by an iceberg, why am I to blame?" "The chinese thinks a
moment and says, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, all the same..."
____________________
Q: What would "Toys 'R' Us" be called if it were run by blacks?
A: "We Be Toys 'N' Shit!" One spring a very well to do, uppity
white mom decided she would throw a beautiful high school gradua-
tion party for her daughter and her daughter's friends. Of
course, the daughter attended an all girl's school, so mom wanted
to get some fine young gentlemen to be escorts at the party. She
decided to call the nearby naval base to see if some young cadets
would be willing to attend the party. She got in touch with a
sergeant at the base and explained what she wanted. "And one last
thing," she added. "Don't send any Mexicans, I don't want any
Mexicans at this party. Do you understand?" The Sergeant told
her yes, and not to worry. Finally the big evening arrived and
mom was excited. At 7:30 sharp there came a knock on the door.
"Ah, the gentlemen are right on time," she thought as she opened
the door. Standing at the door was a young cadet, dressed very
handsomely in his uniform, with about 25 cadets behind him. All
were black. Horrified, the mother shut the door and ran to the
phone. She dialed the base again and reached a private on the
other end. "I want to speak to the Sergeant who sent all these
black people to my daughter's graduation party!" she screamed.
"He's not here, ma'am, may I be of some help?" replied the
private. "Well," she gasped, "There has been a horrible mistake!
I asked for some young men to act as escorts at my daughter's
party, and that sergeant sent black people!" "Oh, no, ma'am,"
said the private, "I'm sure everything is in order. Sergeant Ro-
driguez never makes mistakes!" Russian Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Russian Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Russian Jokes A man walks into Red Square on day screaming
"Gorbachov's an idiot! Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB
chased him around for awhile until they finally caught him. They
immediately took him to court where the judge decided on his sen-
tence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years and seven days
in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for in-
sulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state
secret!!!
____________________
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his
district, and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato
harvest this season, comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excel-
lent," exclaimed the farmer, "our potatoes could be piled high
enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken aback, the inspector
said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there is no God."
Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't any
potatoes, either."
____________________
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news." I
guess it makes more sense in russian. Pravda is truth, and Isves-
tia is news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
____________________
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Pro-
paganda) was out in the field, taking "the Rewolution" to the
people: explaining the fundamentals of Socialism to the populace
to bolster popularity. A member of the Department was out talking
to a farmer in Siberia... So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way
Marx explained: "From each according to his abilities, to each
according to his needs." You understand? (confused) Nyet... OK.
Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him
and give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You
see? (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good! And if a comrade has two trac-
tors, ve take one of his tractors and give to man who has no
tractors. Da? (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good! And if a com-
rade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da? F: Nyet! Iz not good! Vy iz not good? (Despondent-
ly) I have two cheekens...
____________________
A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rab-
bits, running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?" Rabbit 1: "The KGB is
arresting all the camels!" Badger: "But you're rabbits!" Rabbit
2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
____________________
Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
____________________
A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in
a sentence. She said "My cat just had a litter of kittens and
they are all communists".
A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word
"capitalist" in a sentence. She said: "My cat had a litter of
kittens and now they are capitalists".
The teacher was shocked and asked what had happened to the kit-
tens. The little girl responded: "Well, they have opened their
eyes now!" One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the
foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the
Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both
men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a
treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc.
beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and
dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes
the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share
this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish
guy says "Oh no, 50 - 50".
____________________
A joke popular in the CCCP (USSR): A couple had finally saved
enough money to buy a car. When they had paid for it, they asked
the clerk when they might take delivery. "In two years, on May
22nd," he replied. The couple then asked him what time of day it
would be delivered. The clerk looked at them with surprise and
asked, "Why would you possibly want to know that?" "Because the
plumber is coming in the morning."
____________________
Under capitalism man exploits man. Under communism, its just the
opposite.
____________________
In the West, the future is always changing. In the Soviet Union,
the future remains the same. Its the past that's always chang-
ing.
____________________
Both the Soviet Union and the United States have freedom of
speech. The only difference is that the United States has freedom
after speech. David Letterman's Top Ten List
______________________________________________________________________
David Letterman's Top Ten
______________________________________________________________________
David Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Interesting Facts About the New Ayatollah
(Late Night With David Letterman, June 6, 1989)
10. Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the beach.
9. Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller to Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo.
8. Real name is Keith Johnson.
7. Loves "The Satanic Verses."
6. Promises to make ugly guys wear veils too.
5. Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the early 50's.
4. Bats right. Throws right.
3. Was a New York City cab driver: 1977-1979.
2. Appears briefly -- clad only in a towel -- in Rob Lowe video.
1. Promises to carry on with "lunacy as usual."
____________________
Top Ten Things Overheard at Bush's 65th Birthday Party
(Late Night With David Letterman - June 13, 1989)
10. Hey -- how old are these jellybeans?
9. More malt liquor, Mrs. Bush?
8. Look at all these gifts. I feel like Jim Wright.
7. They could use more hors doeuvres on the far side of the room, Mr.
Dukakis.
6. Alright! The hookers are here!
5. Just what I wanted, another Batman tee-shirt.
4. It does look like Rob Lowe. Freeze-frame it for a second.
3. Did Queen Elizabeth send her usual carton of Luckys?
2. This gift has a special meaning to me, Mr. Quayle, because you
colored it yourself.
1. China, shmina! Let's party!
____________________
Top Ten Lines From Star Trek V
(Late Night With David Letterman, June 23, 1989)
Captain, there's a horrible life form on your head! Oh sorry,
its your hairpiece! Surprise, those aren't Dilethium crystals -
they're Folgers crystals. Damm it Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very
good actor. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls the Captain's
log. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe. Geez, I'm
sick of you guys! It's been a century since they changed your
planet's name from EARTH to TRUMP. Oh yeah! Well, beam this up
pal! What the hell is Don King doing here? Screw the Final Fron-
tier! Let's go see BATMAN!
____________________
Top Ten Reasons Not to Suspend Pete Rose
(Late Night With David Letterman, June 27, 1989) Really young
gamblers need a role model. Ten million Pete Rose wigs already
shipped to Hall of Fame gift shop. If suspended, might reveal
identity of San Diego Chicken. He kept his promise to kid in hos-
pital: "I'm putting 50 bucks on
today's game for you, son." Might go play baseball in Japan
and develop commercially viable superconductor during off-season
which would increase Japan's ever- widening economic supremacy
over the United States. He bet five grand that they would suspend
him and will make 50 grand at 10 to 1 odds. No casino greeter
jobs currently open. Baseball needs that professional wrestling
pizazz of being fixed. How can you suspend OTBs "Man of the
Year"? Betting slips, fingerprints, handwriting, telephone
records, sworn depositions -- "Come on, let's see some real
proof!"
____________________
David Letterman's Top 20
Catchy condom slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10. If you slip between the thighs, be sure to condomize
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While your undressing Venus, dress up that penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift-wrap your member
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool: Vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection: check your erection
19. Wrap your foil before checking her oil
20. A crank in armor will never harm her
____________________
Top Ten Libyan MiG Pilot Excuses
Just trying to signal americans that their seat belts were hang-
ing out the door Believed that their new "Stealth Hats" made them
invisible "We were going real fast, worse than the scariest car-
nival ride." Always wanted to try the ejection seat Just trying
to get closer look at hunky American pilots. Distracted by cloud
shaped like head of Oprah Winfrey Trying to pour pepsi upside-
down "Somtimes our hatred of Americans is so intense, we do real-
ly stupid things." "Much better at hijacking planes than flying
them."
And the number one Libyan MiG pilot excuse: Thought a 'kinder,
gentler nation' wouldn't blast the hell out of us.
European Jokes Sports Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Sports Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Sports Jokes Frank was out playing eighteen holes with his wife.
They were on the fourteenth hole when he drives a terrible hook
shot off the course onto a nearby farm, behind the barn. After
walking over to the farm, Frank notices that if he were to open
the far door, he'd be in line to put it back on the green. He
has his wife go to the far side of the barn to hold the door open
for him. He pulls out his one-wood, and drives the ball square
into his wife's forehead, killing her. The next year, Frank is
out on the same course with his boss. His boss is on the four-
teenth tee, and puts a terrible hook shot right behind the same
barn. He goes over to size up the shot, and determines that he
could hit it through the barn, if the far door were open. He
tells Frank to go hold the door open for him. Frank says, "No,
you don't want me to do that. I tried that shot last year, and I
got a seven."
____________________
There are many golf jokes like this. My favorite is the one in
which two buddies are out at the 7th tee. The first guy hits a
tremendous drive and yells "FORE!" A player in the foursome
ahead turns around at the sound of his voice and is struck in the
forehead by the ball. The two golfers run to the prostrate body.
They find the unfortunate man lying on his back with the ball em-
beddded in his head, with blood everywhere. He is, of course,
d-e-a-d. ``Oh my god,'' cries the man who hit the ball, ``what am
I supposed to do now?'' ``Use your nine-iron,'' replied his
friend.
____________________
The same guy was out another day playing a course paralleling a
freeway. Well he hits a tremendous drive that starts to slice
over the fence onto the freeway. It goes thru the windshield of a
speeding ambulance and kills the driver, which causes the vehicle
to cross the median strip and plow head on into a school bus full
of kids on their way home from a ball game. All in all there are
about 50 dead and injured and quite a bit of property damage. The
golfer is watching all this as a police car comes right across
the fairway to slide to a stop in front of him. The enraged pol-
iceman confronts him with "Do you see what you've done?" the
golfer replies in a small voice "Yes, I do." "Well, what are you
going to do about it?" said the cop. "Well, I'm going to try
turning my hand over a little more."
____________________
Three baseball greats were having a beer in a bar.
An attractive woman walked in and Wade Boggs said, "I wonder if she's alone?"
Steve Garvey warned, "Be careful, she's carrying my child!"
Pete Rose finally piped up and said, "Wanna Bet?"
Lone Ranger Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Lone Ranger Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Lone Ranger Jokes One particualrly hot day, the Lone Ranger and
Tonto pull into a bar to cool off, parking their horses outside.
While the famous duo sit at the bar, a cowboy comes in and says
"Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger re-
plies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well, It's lookin' mighty warm.
In fact, I looks like it'll keel over any minute". Quickly Tonto
says to his boss, "Keemosoby, do not fear. I will cool Silver
myself. I will run in circles around him as fast as the wind,
and the breeze will cool him." The Lone Ranger thought for a
minute, "OK Tonto. If you think it will work..." So out goes our
feerless sidekick to cool the horse. A little while later, anoth-
er cowboy comes into the bar and says, "Hey, who's silver horse
is that outside?" The lone ranger replies "That's my horse.
Why?" "Well you left your injun runnin'!"
____________________
Lone ranger and Tonto were travelling down the prairies(sp?) one
day. All of a sudden Tonto yelled "Halt Lone ranger" and proceed-
ed to jump off his horse. Tonto put his ear to the ground and
said "Lone Ranger, buffalo come!" "How can you tell", Lone ranger
asked.
"Ear Sticky" Tonto replied.
____________________
Tonto and the lone ranger were out riding on the prairie. They
stopped to take a break; the lone ranger went behind some
mesquite to take a leak and was promptly bitten on his penis by a
rattle snake. In panic, the lone ranger went to Tonto and said
"Tonto, help me!" "HMMMH kemo sabe, what can I do?" asked Tonto.
"Do you remember when you got bitten by a rattler (on the
leg),and I sucked the poison out with my mouth? Well if you
don't suck the poison out of where I got bitten, I may die!"
"Hmmmm kemo sabe," replied Tonto, "I think you are going to die!"
____________________
Well we've all heard about the time the Lone Ranger and Tonto
were surrounded by the entire Sioux nation, and the Lone Ranger
says to Tonto, "Tonto, we're surrounded! What do we do now?" to
which Tonto replies "What's this WE shit, paleface!" Well The
Lone Ranger was scalped, and Tonto was on his own. He decided to
move to New York. While standing at the bus stop one day he no-
ticed a beautiful woman wearing a button with the letters N.O.A.
Tonto asks "Excuse me whatum letters mean?" The woman replies
"They stand for Nymphomaniacs of America." Tonto taken aback says
"Do `phomaniacs haveum pow wow?" The woman replies "Yes we have
meetings, I'm going to one now." Tonto says "Whatum `phomaniacs
do at meetings?" The woman replies "Well we have discussions on
sexual practices, techniques and share information. For instance
we have found that Indians have big dicks, however Jewish men can
screw for a longer period of time." Tonto replies "This very in-
teresting. Miss, what is your name?" The woman say "My name is
Cindy Parker, and what is your name?" Tonto boldly throws out his
chest and says "Me name Tonto Goldstein!" Rhymes and Limmericks
______________________________________________________________________
Rhymes and Limmericks
______________________________________________________________________
Rhymes and Limmericks
____________________
When horny, Hashemi Rafsanjani
Has no use for an Anderson Loni;
His secret wet dreams
Are filled with the screams
Of his favorite Osmond -- that's Donny.
____________________
Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle
Were both in the middle
Of watching Jack Horner piddle
IS ENGLISH THE HARDEST LANGUAGE OF ALL?
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh, and through.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
Well done! And now if you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead--
For goodness sake don't call it deed.
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up--and goose and choose,
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.
____________________
Bats are creepy. Bats are scary.
Bats do not seem sanitary.
Bats in dismal caves keep cozy.
Bats remind us of Lugosi.
Bats of darkness unafraid are.
Bats are careful. Bats use radar.
Bats at nighttime at their best are.
Bats by Batman unimpressed are.
____________________
And now a verse from Ogden Nash's "Ode to the Four Letter Words"
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
When the ladies (God bless'em) are milling about,
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ----.
____________________
In the Garden of Eden everyone knows,
Adam and Eve wore no clothes.
In the Garden of Eden there were two leaves,
One covered Adam and one covered Eve.
As the story goes needless to say,
Along came a wind and blew them away.
And at this sight Adam did stare,
For Eves treasure was covered with hair.
Eve stared eagerly with bright brown eyes,
For Adams dick began to rise.
Adam got to Eve, and to his surprise,
Eves legs were spread from thigh to thigh.
Thrills and thrills filled Adams soul,
As he put his dick into Eves hole.
Backward and forward his dick went in,
Until Eves hole was wet within.
Eve didn't scream, but with fright,
For Adam was doing everything right.
After awhile Eve let loose,
For Adam's dick was out of juice.
And so through the ages, people did screw,
And now it's time for me and you.
So pull down your pants and lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood for a piece of your ass.
____________________
In days of old,
When Knights were bold
and toliets weren't invented
They left their load
upon the road
and walked away contented
____________________
True Story
by Shel Silverstein
This morning I jump on my horse, and went out for a ride
Some wild outlaws chased me, and they shot me in the side
So I crawled into a wildcat's cave, to find a place to hide
But some pirates found me sleeping there and soon they had me tied
So I said I'd be back Wednesday, but I must admit I lied
And I run away into the swamp, but I forgot my guide
And I stepped into some quicksand and no matter how I tried
I couldn't get out until I met a crocodile named Clyde
Who took me to some cannibals, who planned to have me fried
But an eagle came and swooped me up and through the air we flied
Then he dropped me in a boiling lake a thousand miles wide
And do you know what happened then?
... I died.
Computer Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Computer Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Computer Jokes Dai Ode, the welsh policeman was busy. Spike vol-
tage had escaped from the cells and was currently resisting
arrest. Someone had left the gate open and he had escaped
through the drain. Dai Ode was confident that he would soon run
Spike to the ground. Various sources had informed him that Spike
had taken a short cut to the bus terminal in a desperate bid to
get 'ome. His line of enquiry involved following Spike's tracks
and using his fetish for apples and chips. With a bit of luck
he'll swallow a core and choke said Dai. That should increase the
capacity of the cells.
____________________
Riddle: (Phhhttt.)
How is a blotter like a lazy dog?
A blotter is an ink-lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
And a slow pup is a lazy dog.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Umm.
____________________
Q. How many IBM mainframes does it take to shift left once?
A. 33. Thirty two to hold all the bits down, and one
to push the register over.
____________________
How many IBM mainframes does it take to execute an instruction?
Four to hold it down, and one to beat it over the head until it's
a bloody pulp.
Hey, so what. It knew the RISCs.
____________________
I was talking with a computer programer one day. We got on the
subject of families so he brought out his wollet and showed off
his family pictures. He started "This is Kid_girl_1 this is
Kid_girl_2, Kid_boy_1. This is my dog, Dog_1 and my cat
Cat_1......" I interupted him and said " why does your family
have such wierd names ?" "Meaningful identifiers" he answered.
____________________
Let's say your car gets a tremendous hole in the door. If you
weld a piece of scrap metal over the hole -- that's a patch. If
you tape a piece of paper over the hole -- that's a kludge. But,
if you leave the hole there and label it "air conditioning" --
Now *thats* programming.
____________________
Q: What kind of interfaces do the computers at Old McDonald's have?
A: EIA I/O
Which reminds me about the fellow who loved Unix and was pretty
good at it. So good, in fact, that he was promoted about a year
after he joined the company. He did well in management, and
climbed the ladder steadily, until, after about 10 years, he was
the president of the company. One day, Jim, a Unix programmer who
had joined the company about the same time as the president was
visiting him in his large, well-furnished office. Jim entered
without knocking, and was surprised to find the president with
his head in his hands, discouraged. After some conversation, the
president admitted that he'd give almost anything to go back to
the lab and be a Unix hacker again. His friend, inspired, said
"Well, why don't you? You can go back to the lab if you want
to!." The president looked up and said, "I'm surprised at you,
Jim. Haven't you learned yet that there can be no return from a
successful exec?"
(type "$ man 2 exec" in sh mode to understand this one)
____________________
Defn. FIG NEWTON
The unit of force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per
second.
____________________
IBM,
UBM,
We all BM
For IBM
Random Humor
Did it print the page number? Did it work at all? Is this on
it's own page or what? Do you know? Do I know? Do you want to
know, or, for that matter, do you want to know? Should I play
xtrek tonight? I say, yes.
XTREK. Not just a game, it's a way of life.
XTREK
Wowzers. That is big. yes?
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Lone Ranger Jokes
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Lone Ranger Jokes One particualrly hot day, the Lone Ranger and
Tonto pull into a bar to cool off, parking their horses outside.
While the famous duo sit at the bar, a cowboy comes in and says
"Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger re-
plies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well, It's lookin' mighty warm.
In fact, I looks like it'll keel over any minute". Quickly Tonto
says to his boss, "Keemosoby, do not fear. I will cool Silver
myself. I will run in circles around him as fast as the wind,
and the breeze will cool him." The Lone Ranger thought for a
minute, "OK Tonto. If you think it will work..." So out goes our
feerless sidekick to cool the horse. A little while later, anoth-
er cowboy comes into the bar and says, "Hey, who's silver horse
is that outside?" The lone ranger replies "That's my horse.
Why?" "Well you left your injun runnin'!"
____________________
Lone ranger and Tonto were travelling down the prairies(sp?) one
day. All of a sudden Tonto yelled "Halt Lone ranger" and proceed-
ed to jump off his horse. Tonto put his ear to the ground and
said "Lone Ranger, buffalo come!" "How can you tell", Lone ranger
asked.
"Ear Sticky" Tonto replied.
____________________
Tonto and the lone ranger were out riding on the prairie. They
stopped to take a break; the lone ranger went behind some
mesquite to take a leak and was promptly bitten on his penis by a
rattle snake. In panic, the lone ranger went to Tonto and said
"Tonto, help me!" "HMMMH kemo sabe, what can I do?" asked Tonto.
"Do you remember when you got bitten by a rattler (on the
leg),and I sucked the poison out with my mouth? Well if you
don't suck the poison out of where I got bitten, I may die!"
"Hmmmm kemo sabe," replied Tonto, "I think you are going to die!"
____________________
Well we've all heard about the time the Lone Ranger and Tonto
were surrounded by the entire Sioux nation, and the Lone Ranger
says to Tonto, "Tonto, we're surrounded! What do we do now?" to
which Tonto replies "What's this WE shit, paleface!" Well The
Lone Ranger was scalped, and Tonto was on his own. He decided to
move to New York. While standing at the bus stop one day he no-
ticed a beautiful woman wearing a button with the letters N.O.A.
Tonto asks "Excuse me whatum letters mean?" The woman replies
"They stand for Nymphomaniacs of America." Tonto taken aback says
"Do `phomaniacs haveum pow wow?" The woman replies "Yes we have
meetings, I'm going to one now." Tonto says "Whatum `phomaniacs
do at meetings?" The woman replies "Well we have discussions on
sexual practices, techniques and share information. For instance
we have found that Indians have big dicks, however Jewish men can
screw for a longer period of time." Tonto replies "This very in-
teresting. Miss, what is your name?" The woman say "My name is
Cindy Parker, and what is your name?" Tonto boldly throws out his
chest and says "Me name Tonto Goldstein!"
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Political Jokes
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Political Jokes George Bush fell into a deep sleep, much like the
sleep Rip Van Winkle experienced (No, this is not a Dan Quayle
joke). When he woke up 25 years later, he saw his old friend
James Baker. George asked how the U.S. was. "Well," James Baker
replied, "We have a 1.2% unemployment rate, a budget surplus, a
booming economy, and a healthly savings and loan association."
"Gee," said George, "then how much does a cup of coffee cost?"
"Only a hundred yen."
____________________
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Political Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Political Jokes
"Dick Nixon. Before he Dicks You!"
DON'T CHANGE DICKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCREW, VOTE FOR NIXON IN '72!!
Seen on a bumper sticker in 1972 (Nixon/McGovern election year):
"McGOVERN CAN'T LICK OUR DICKY"
____________________
1) Young Dan Quayle was quite a ladies man back in the days he
was cutting classes in college. His favorite opening line was:
"Hey baby, can my father buy you a drink?"
2) Have you seen the new movie about Dan Quayle's war experi-
ence??? it's called "Full Dinner Jacket"....
3) What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda???
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam....
4) What did Marilyn Quayle say to Dan the morning after the wed-
ding??? "You're no Jack Kennedy"....
5) Why did the chicken cross the road??? To join the National
Guard....
6) What is Dan Quayle's favorite war song??? "Over Here"...
7) Did you hear about the Dan Quayle night at the comedy club???
If your parents call ahead, you get in free....
8) Have you heard the latest Secret Service directive??? If
George Bush gets shot, shoot Dan Quayle...
9) Did you see the TV documentary on Dan Quayle's military
career??? It's called "Thirty Seconds Over Indianapolis"...
10) Have you heard about the Dan Quayle Savings Bond??? There's
no Interest and no Maturity Q: What is George Bush's idea of a
dream date with American public opinion?
A retarded black juvenile out on furlough from a Massachusetts
state prison for drug charges who breaks into a suburban white
family's home, rapes the wife, beats the husband (a veteran), and
then on the way out burns the family's American Flag.
____________________
Q: Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House?
A: Because they chase the Quayles and piss on the Bushes...
______________________________________________________________________
Sports Jokes
______________________________________________________________________
Sports Jokes Frank was out playing eighteen holes with his wife.
They were on the fourteenth hole when he drives a terrible hook
shot off the course onto a nearby farm, behind the barn. After
walking over to the farm, Frank notices that if he were to open
the far door, he'd be in line to put it back on the green. He
has his wife go to the far side of the barn to hold the door open
for him. He pulls out his one-wood, and drives the ball square
into his wife's forehead, killing her. The next year, Frank is
out on the same course with his boss. His boss is on the four-
teenth tee, and puts a terrible hook shot right behind the same
barn. He goes over to size up the shot, and determines that he
could hit it through the barn, if the far door were open. He
tells Frank to go hold the door open for him. Frank says, "No,
you don't want me to do that. I tried that shot last year, and I
got a seven."
____________________
There are many golf jokes like this. My favorite is the one in
which two buddies are out at the 7th tee. The first guy hits a
tremendous drive and yells "FORE!" A player in the foursome
ahead turns around at the sound of his voice and is struck in the
forehead by the ball. The two golfers run to the prostrate body.
They find the unfortunate man lying on his back with the ball em-
beddded in his head, with blood everywhere. He is, of course,
d-e-a-d. ``Oh my god,'' cries the man who hit the ball, ``what am
I supposed to do now?'' ``Use your nine-iron,'' replied his
friend.
____________________
The same guy was out another day playing a course paralleling a
freeway. Well he hits a tremendous drive that starts to slice
over the fence onto the freeway. It goes thru the windshield of a
speeding ambulance and kills the driver, which causes the vehicle
to cross the median strip and plow head on into a school bus full
of kids on their way home from a ball game. All in all there are
about 50 dead and injured and quite a bit of property damage. The
golfer is watching all this as a police car comes right across
the fairway to slide to a stop in front of him. The enraged pol-
iceman confronts him with "Do you see what you've done?" the
golfer replies in a small voice "Yes, I do." "Well, what are you
going to do about it?" said the cop. "Well, I'm going to try
turning my hand over a little more."
____________________
Three baseball greats were having a beer in a bar.
An attractive woman walked in and Wade Boggs said, "I wonder if she's alone?"
Steve Garvey warned, "Be careful, she's carrying my child!"
Pete Rose finally piped up and said, "Wanna Bet?"
Let's see a table of contents please