Computer Jokes Dai Ode, the welsh policeman was busy. Spike vol- tage had escaped from the cells and was currently resisting arrest. Someone had left the gate open and he had escaped through the drain. Dai Ode was confident that he would soon run Spike to the ground. Various sources had informed him that Spike had taken a short cut to the bus terminal in a desperate bid to get 'ome. His line of enquiry involved following Spike's tracks and using his fetish for apples and chips. With a bit of luck he'll swallow a core and choke said Dai. That should increase the capacity of the cells. ____________________ Riddle: (Phhhttt.) How is a blotter like a lazy dog? A blotter is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. And a slow pup is a lazy dog. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Umm. ____________________ Q. How many IBM mainframes does it take to shift left once? A. 33. Thirty two to hold all the bits down, and one to push the register over. ____________________ How many IBM mainframes does it take to execute an instruction? Four to hold it down, and one to beat it over the head until it's a bloody pulp. Hey, so what. It knew the RISCs. ____________________ I was talking with a computer programer one day. We got on the subject of families so he brought out his wollet and showed off his family pictures. He started "This is Kid_girl_1 this is Kid_girl_2, Kid_boy_1. This is my dog, Dog_1 and my cat Cat_1......" I interupted him and said " why does your family have such wierd names ?" "Meaningful identifiers" he answered. ____________________ Let's say your car gets a tremendous hole in the door. If you weld a piece of scrap metal over the hole -- that's a patch. If you tape a piece of paper over the hole -- that's a kludge. But, if you leave the hole there and label it "air conditioning" -- Now *thats* programming. ____________________ Q: What kind of interfaces do the computers at Old McDonald's have? A: EIA I/O Which reminds me about the fellow who loved Unix and was pretty good at it. So good, in fact, that he was promoted about a year after he joined the company. He did well in management, and climbed the ladder steadily, until, after about 10 years, he was the president of the company. One day, Jim, a Unix programmer who had joined the company about the same time as the president was visiting him in his large, well-furnished office. Jim entered without knocking, and was surprised to find the president with his head in his hands, discouraged. After some conversation, the president admitted that he'd give almost anything to go back to the lab and be a Unix hacker again. His friend, inspired, said "Well, why don't you? You can go back to the lab if you want to!." The president looked up and said, "I'm surprised at you, Jim. Haven't you learned yet that there can be no return from a successful exec?" (type "$ man 2 exec" in sh mode to understand this one) ____________________ Defn. FIG NEWTON The unit of force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per second. ____________________ IBM, UBM, We all BM For IBM ______________________________________________________________________ Ethnic Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Ethnic Jokes There were these two blacks walking down a downtown street. They came to a store that had a big sign out front say- ing "For only 99 cents become white for the rest of your life." They looked at each other and decided to go for it. One of them had $1.00 and the other only had 98 cents. The one with the dol- lar said, "Look, I'll go first with my $1.00. When I get done, I'll give you my extra penny and you can go then." The other said, "OK." So, the first one went in and in a little while came out white. The other was so excited he started jumping up and down and saying, "Come on man. Give me my penny so I can go get white!" The first one looked at him and said, "F**k off, you nigger!" ____________________ Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all black class. Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class; "Every Thursday afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you get the answer correct the entire class can have Friday off." The class murmers with excitement. "OK, class", she announces, "How many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?". The class murmbers in dissapointment as they look to each other for help. "Ok, class, see you tomorrow", announces the teacher. Later the next week. "OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many gallens of water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach. And again the class murmers in disappointment. Well, there is little Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of the next rolls around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks into his fathers shop to spray paint them black. As test time rolls around the teacher says; "time for our little weekly quiz, children". At which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket and rolls them toward the front of the class. "OK, who is the comedian with the black balls?" shouts the teacher. "Bill Cosby. See Ya on Mon- day", retorts Gregory In a slow going train, sat the two guys in waiting for the jouney to finish, a yellow skinned chinese and a jew. Some time passed and the jew rose up and slapped the chinese on his face. "Hey, that's exaggeration I would say!!" protested the chinese. "Why did you do that, god dammit ?!" And the jew responded: "That was for Pearl Harbour." "But what are you talk- ing about? Pearl harbour was attacked by the Japs, and I am from China." And the answer: "Chinese, Japanese, all the same..." Four minutes silently passed, and the Chinese rose up and kicked the jew in the ribs. The jew was more than surprised and asked: "And that, what's that for?" "That was for the Titanic." "Well, surprise, isn't it?" The jew asks astounded. "But the Titanic was hit by an iceberg, why am I to blame?" "The chinese thinks a moment and says, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, all the same..." ____________________ Q: What would "Toys 'R' Us" be called if it were run by blacks? A: "We Be Toys 'N' Shit!" One spring a very well to do, uppity white mom decided she would throw a beautiful high school gradua- tion party for her daughter and her daughter's friends. Of course, the daughter attended an all girl's school, so mom wanted to get some fine young gentlemen to be escorts at the party. She decided to call the nearby naval base to see if some young cadets would be willing to attend the party. She got in touch with a sergeant at the base and explained what she wanted. "And one last thing," she added. "Don't send any Mexicans, I don't want any Mexicans at this party. Do you understand?" The Sergeant told her yes, and not to worry. Finally the big evening arrived and mom was excited. At 7:30 sharp there came a knock on the door. "Ah, the gentlemen are right on time," she thought as she opened the door. Standing at the door was a young cadet, dressed very handsomely in his uniform, with about 25 cadets behind him. All were black. Horrified, the mother shut the door and ran to the phone. She dialed the base again and reached a private on the other end. "I want to speak to the Sergeant who sent all these black people to my daughter's graduation party!" she screamed. "He's not here, ma'am, may I be of some help?" replied the private. "Well," she gasped, "There has been a horrible mistake! I asked for some young men to act as escorts at my daughter's party, and that sergeant sent black people!" "Oh, no, ma'am," said the private, "I'm sure everything is in order. Sergeant Ro- driguez never makes mistakes!" Rec.Humor Miscellanious Jokes ____________________ Prompted by the recent Trojans/Beavers headlines. In the late 40's the Hooker Chemical Co. of upstate NY dumped a lot of toxic waste in an area near Niagara Falls known as Love Canal. Hooker resisted the NYS Department of Environmental Conservation's cleanup order forcing the DEC to go to court. Hence the Middletown, NY paper, the Times-Herald Record, had the following headline in the late 1970's: "State sues Hooker over contaminated Love Canal"-- .PP The phone rang in the Army-base motor pool. "What kind of transportation do you have available?" a gruff voice asked. "Just and old jeep that fat-ass general rides around in," came the re- ply. "Do you know who this is?" "No, I don't" "This is General Reynolds and that is my jeep, soldier!" he bellowed. "Do you know who this is?" the GI asked. "No, I don't!" "Then goodbye, fat- ass." ____________________ A police officer arrived at the scene of an accident, and was greeted by an overturned car with a gory mess all over the windscreen. Realizing he was out of his league, he called for an ambulance, and then slowly walked over to the car. "Are you all right in there?" he called, not expecting an answer. A head popped out of the car's window. "Yeah, I'm fine," the man said, "but the pizza sure is a mess." ____________________ A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the bark. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!" The British- er turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball." ____________________ There's a terrible accident involving a trucker and a yuppie. The trucker has run into the side of the yuppies's BMW virtually des- troying the car. The yuppie staggers out of the car, bleeding profusely and with both arms severed at the shoulder and yells, "My car! My car!" The truck driver says "My God man, how can you be worried about your car at a time like this?" "Both of your arms are severed at the shoulder!" The yuppie looks at where his arms used to be and yells, "My Rolex!, My Rolex!" ____________________ The Prof. enters the classroom, looks around and bids his charges a hearty the sophmores mutter 'Morning!', The juniors grunt, and the seniors simply write down the Prof's greeting in their notes. ____________________ A customer goes into a store and asks a clerk where the envelopes are. The clerk says, "I'll see" and goes off somewhere else. After waiting a while for the clerk to come back, our man asks the same question to another clerk. This one says, "I'll see" and also leaves. After another short wait, the customer asks the manager the same question. This time, however, he stomps out of the store when the manager replies, "Aisle C". ____________________ A man is walking in an empty residential area street. The night is a bit windy and the sky is clear with a full moon. As he passes in front of the grave yard he hears a weak weak voice cal- ling for help: "Help, help please..." The man is scared to death. But the voice is weak but clear and for sure it is coming from the grave yard. He goes inside and tries to locate the voice which continues: "Over here, over here they buried me alive. Help..." Our hero finally sees something: a human finger sticking out of the soil in a freshly dug grave. "Oh, poor man," our hero says while gently pushing the finger back into the earth like putting out a cigarette. "Not only this, they have done a lousy job too!" ____________________ A man goes to the doctor because he's got a tapeworm. The doctor informs him that there is only one way to get rid of the ta- peworm. The man agrees and says that he'll do anything to get rid of it. So the Doctor tells him to push a hardboiled egg and 2 saltine crackers up his butt for 2 weeks. Two weeks pass and now the man is back at the doctor office. Now what? The doctor has the man place 2 saltine crackers up his butt and when the ta- peworm sticks his head out to ask where the egg was, the doctor grabs 'em! ____________________ Old Amos and Joe are playing checkers one afternoon, when Amos gets a puzzled look on his face. "What's wrong, Amos?" asks Joe. "Well, Joe, today I just can't seem to remember how old I am." "I can figure that one out for you," claims Joe. "Drop your pants." So Amos drops his pants, and Joe reaches out and gently cradles Amos's testicles in one hand. He fondles them for a few minutes, staring thoughtfully off into space, then pronounces, "You're 82!" "Why -- I believe you're right!" exclaims Amos. "How'd you figure that out, Joe?" Joe looks up at Amos and, still cradling Amos's balls in one hand, says, "You told me yesterday." ____________________ A hunter was walking along in a dense forest, with a gun in his hand. Suddenly he came upon a stunningly beautiful woman, totally naked. She smiled seduct- ively at him, and he said: "Are you game?". "Yes", she said, invitingly. And so he shot her... ____________________ This man strikes up a conversation with a lovely looking woman in a bar. After 10 min. of great conversation the woman suddenly yells "A motel Room?!" Now, let's face it, the man is stunned and he wimpers over to the corner booth and begins to drink heavily. Later the same woman comes back to him and explains that she is studying Psycology at the University and was performing a study about how people react to different situations. She appologizes and comments how much she really likes the man after all and would like to get to know him better. The man then yells "50 dol- lars?!?!!" ____________________ In much the same vein, how did Canada get it's name? Well, back in 1867, Sir John A. MacDonald and the boys were down in Char- lottetown, P.E.I. drafting up the British North America Act. (no flames, please -- history is not my long suit) They couldn't agree on a name, so Sir JAM suggested drawing letters out of a hat. Everyone agreed, the hat was loaded and Sir Wilfred St. Laurent picked the letters as John A. wrote them down ... "C, eh?" "N, eh?" "D, eh?" ____________________ ____________________ What do you get if you have nuts on the wall? Wallnuts What do you get if you have nuts on your chest? Chestnuts What do you get if you have nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth ____________________ There were these two kids going uphill on a bike. The hill was quite steep and the guy driving the bike had to make a lot of ef- fort to really make the thing move. The other guy sitting on the front was also making some effort on his own. Finally after much huffing and puffing they made it to the top. The guy driving ex- claimed," Boy, that was a real steep hill." The other replied," You bet it was. If I hadn't kept the brakes pressed all along we would be at the bottom of the hill by now". ____________________ Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals? A: The fox on her back, the jaguar in her driveway, the tiger in her bed, and the donkey who pays for it all. ____________________ A female golf tyro was stung by a bee while playing one day. She stopped playing and immediately called her doctor (who was also her golf mentor) and said that she had just been stung while playing and what did he think. He asked where she had been stung and she replied that she had been stung somewhere between the first and second holes. He responded "I think your stance is too wide". ____________________ The Chinese Leader, Dog Chow Ping, today hired the Joe Isuzu Ad agency in the hopes of convincing the world that no one was shot in Bejing. ____________________ A husband (H) and wife (W) were talking about death. "Honey, if I died before you, would you get remarried?" "Well," (Thinks) "Yes, I guess I probably would." "Well, If I died before you, and you got remarried, would you and your new wife live in our house?" "Ummm... Yes, we probably would." "Well, if I died before you, and you got remarried, and the two of you lived here, in our house, would you sleep in our bed?" (Thinks again) "I think that's a possibility, anyway." "Well, if I died before you, and you got remarried, and the two of you lived here, in our house, and you slept in our bed, would you let her use my golf clubs?" "Naw, she's left handed..." ____________________ Two men were sitting in a restaurant overlooking a department store window. The first says: "See those two women at the shop- ping window across the street?... One is my wife and the other my mistress." "Really?" says the other man, "You took the words right out of my mouth!" ____________________ A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his at- tackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast". When the ark finally came to rest, Noah opened the doors and commanded the animals, "Go forth, and multiply." All of the animals promptly left, except for the two snakes, which just huddled together in the corner. Noah approached them: "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." "We can't," said one of the snakes. "We're the adders." "So, go forth and collect driftwood." And they do. "Now build me a table of the wood." And they do. "Now, with this table of logs even adders can multi- ply." Political Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes George Bush fell into a deep sleep, much like the sleep Rip Van Winkle experienced (No, this is not a Dan Quayle joke). When he woke up 25 years later, he saw his old friend James Baker. George asked how the U.S. was. "Well," James Baker replied, "We have a 1.2% unemployment rate, a budget surplus, a booming economy, and a healthly savings and loan association." "Gee," said George, "then how much does a cup of coffee cost?" "Only a hundred yen." ____________________ ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes "Dick Nixon. Before he Dicks You!" DON'T CHANGE DICKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCREW, VOTE FOR NIXON IN '72!! Seen on a bumper sticker in 1972 (Nixon/McGovern election year): "McGOVERN CAN'T LICK OUR DICKY" ____________________ 1) Young Dan Quayle was quite a ladies man back in the days he was cutting classes in college. His favorite opening line was: "Hey baby, can my father buy you a drink?" 2) Have you seen the new movie about Dan Quayle's war experi- ence??? it's called "Full Dinner Jacket".... 3) What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda??? Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.... 4) What did Marilyn Quayle say to Dan the morning after the wed- ding??? "You're no Jack Kennedy".... 5) Why did the chicken cross the road??? To join the National Guard.... 6) What is Dan Quayle's favorite war song??? "Over Here"... 7) Did you hear about the Dan Quayle night at the comedy club??? If your parents call ahead, you get in free.... 8) Have you heard the latest Secret Service directive??? If George Bush gets shot, shoot Dan Quayle... 9) Did you see the TV documentary on Dan Quayle's military career??? It's called "Thirty Seconds Over Indianapolis"... 10) Have you heard about the Dan Quayle Savings Bond??? There's no Interest and no Maturity Q: What is George Bush's idea of a dream date with American public opinion? A retarded black juvenile out on furlough from a Massachusetts state prison for drug charges who breaks into a suburban white family's home, rapes the wife, beats the husband (a veteran), and then on the way out burns the family's American Flag. ____________________ Q: Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House? A: Because they chase the Quayles and piss on the Bushes... Religious Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Religious Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Religious Jokes The pope was very sick, and all the doctors in the world could not find a cure. Finally, they agreed only one possible remedy existed: to have sex with a women. The pope was shocked. How could he possibly have sex with a women! "It's your only chance" the doctors tell him. "Fine. But I have a few conditions..." says the pope. "First, she has to be blind. Second, she must be mute and thirdly she must have big tits." The doctors were puzzled: "Blind - so she won't know who you are, fine. Mute - so even if she does find out she couldn't tell any- one, fine. But why the big tits?" "Oh! That's just the way I like it...." ____________________ A preist and a nun were playing golf. The preist was having a bad game and each time he putted he would miss by just a few inches. As the game wore on, he became frustrated and when he barely missed a put on the 16th hole, he exclaimed, "Oh shit, I missed again." The nun was taken aback by this, and she told the preist to watch his language. On the 17th hole, however, the preist missed another put and again yelled "Oh shit, I missed again." The nun became angry, and told the priest that if he said that again, she would pray to God that the preist's life be taken. On the 18th hole, the preist had an easy 3 foot put. When he shot, the ball rolled just short of the hole and stopped. The preist screamed "Oh shit, I missed again!!" The nun instant- ly dropped to her knees and started praying. A minute later, a giant lightning bolt came from the sky and struck the nun dead. In a booming voice, God said "OH SHIT, I MISSED AGAIN!!" ____________________ Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out on their favorite golf course one day. They are playing a 200 yard par 3 hole. Moses hits a beautiful shot, on the green about 2 feet from the pin. "Great shot, Moses!" Jesus says. However, not to be outdone, Jesus hits one even closer, off the flagstick and resting about 6 inches from the hole. "Fantastic!" Moses and the old man say. The old man gets up there and hits his shot. He hits a mean slice into the woods, off a couple trees, then this gopher picks up the ball and carries it onto the green where he drops it on the run. The ball feeds right into the hole!!! Moses and Jesus say, "Nice shot, Dad!" There were these three people in line to get in heaven, a pope, a lawyer and a doctor. The pope goes up to saint peter and talks for a second, the st pete sends him off to a room the equivalent of a $20 a night motel room. The lawyer goes up and talks a bit and pete looks real excited and gives him a room only found in $500 dollar a day hotels, with hot-tub, and everything. The doctor goes up to Saint Peter and says, "Hey, you gave the pope a crummy room, but you gave that stinking lawyer a great room, what gives?" "My son, you have to understand. We have 75 popes up here, but he's our first lawyer." ____________________ According to a mention in the new ``Straight Dope'' book, Jesus has a middle name, as in ``Jesus H Christ!'' Jesus' middle name is ``Hallmark'', because, you see, God cared enough to send the very best. ____________________ The adultress is about the be put to death, when Jesus stops them and says: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." After a slight pause, a single rock sails in, hitting the woman on the head. Jesus looks over, and says: "Mom! I'm trying to make a point here!" ____________________ Three nuns reached the gates of heaven. St. Peter: I will ask a question to each of you and only if you can answer it correctly will I let you in. St. Peter to first nun: Who was the first man? Nun #1: That's an easy one, Adam. St. Peter to first nun: Good, you may go in. St. Peter to second nun: Who was the first woman? Nun #2: That's an easy one, Eve. St. Peter to second nun: Good, you may go in. St. Peter to third nun: What were Eve's first words to Adam? Nun #3: Now, that's a hard one....... St. Peter to third Nun: Good, you may go in. ____________________ The regional sales manager for Kentucky Fried Chicken called on the Pope for proposition. The sales manager asks the Pope, when they say grace, instead of blessing our daily bread, that they bless our daily chicken. The Pope, slightly taken aback by this unusual proposition, politely declined. The sales manager then promised the Pope $10 million for the next five years if he would change the prayer. Still the Pope declined. Okay, okay, how about $15 million for the next five years? The Pope, realizing how much cash this was, said OK. But he had to convince the bishops at the annual ecumenical convention tomorrow. The next day the Pope walks into the convention and says, "I got some good news and some bad news. First the good news, We are going to re- ceive $15 million for the next five years." A loud applause from the bishops ensued, then the Pope said, "Now for the bad news....we lost the Wonder Bread account." ____________________ There was a guy who was a big football fan from the Bay Area who dies sometime not too far in the future. When he gets to the Pearly Gates he is greeted by St. Peter. While they are doing the paperwork to admit him into Heaven, the guy looks through the Pearly Gates and sees a football game going on. He turns to St. Peter and questions excitedly, "They have football in Heaven?" St. Peter says, "Of course! Some worthy people like yourself are big football fans, so as part of your eternal reward you get to watch great football games." The guy is very pleased and looks at the game some more as St. Peter continues working on the forms. Then he says, "And that guy on the sidelines with the white hair... I think I recognize him! Is that... Bill Walsh?!" And St. Peter replies, "No, that's God, he just likes to think he's Bill Walsh!" ____________________ ____________________ One day the Pope was on a train, doing a crossword puzzle and he looked over at a bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a 4 letter word for a female that ends in u-n-t?" "Aunt, your Holi- ness," answered the bishop. "Thank you. Do you have an eraser?" Punny Puns Sexually Oriented Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Sexually Oriented Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Sexually Oriented Jokes There was this couple walking thought the park one rainy afternoon, when the man said that he wanted to have sex right now in that mud puddle over there. So the wife said OK. As they were doing it the man asked "Honey, is it in you or the mud?" His wife replied "It's in the mud, honey." "Well put it in you, OK?" So after a minute or so the man asked again, "Honey, is it in you or is it in the mud?" She answers, "It's in me, dear" "Well put it back in the mud !!!!!" "Mr. Jones, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your test results came back. You have incurable and inoperable cancer. You probably have 6 months to live." "Well......what's the good news?" Doctor: "Did you see that good looking secretary out front? I'm boffing her." ____________________ A traveling saleslady was stuck in the Ozark mountains one rainy day and as it began to get dark she knocked upon the door of a stranger's house. An old man answered and she inquired if he had any room for her for the night. He replied, "I only have a spare room with my two sons, if that'll do." She was more than in- terested and agreed to sleep in their room. Well, Zed and Jed (the two sons) were quite to her liking and she suggested that they all sleep together in the same bed and get it on. "But," she said, "you'll have to wear these rubbers so that I won't get pregnant." A few months later, Zed and Jed were on the front porch lounging around when Zed said, "Jed?" And Jed said, "Yeah Zed?" Zed: "Do you care if that laydee has a baybee?" Jed: "Nah." Zed: "Then let's take these damn things off." ____________________ A woman steps into an elevator. The man inside asks her "What floor are you going to?" "The fifth floor, they are giving me $25 to donate blood. What floor are you going to ?" "The seventh floor, they are paying me $50 to donate sperm" A week later, in the same elevator, the same woman steps into the elevator and sees the same man. "Well hello, fancy meeting you here. Going to the fifth floor?" With her mouth closed and cheeks buldging, shakes her head "NO" and holds up seven fingers. ____________________ I met this lady in the bar the other day and asked her if she would like to go back to my place for some sex. She agreed, but that I needed 12 inches and that I hurt her. I said fine. So when we got back to my place we had sex twice and I hit her on the head with a brick. ____________________ A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing. "Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I just learned that I can earn $200 per night at what I have been doing for you all these years for free!" she says. So the man also starts pack- ing. The woman sees this and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he says. "I want to see how you are going to live on $400 a year!" ____________________ The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following ap- peared a few weeks ago: In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows. The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn. Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and ex- claimed, "They'll do that every time!" ____________________ So this guy gets home from work and finds his 42 year old daughter sitting in his easy chair using a vibrator. He asks her what the hell is going on, and she replies that she's 42, over weight, not particularily attractive, and without any marriage prospects. She continues to tell her father that in view of everything, she thinks that she's entitled to some pleasure in life. So the next evening she returns home and finds her father in his easy chair with the ball game on, a beer in one hand, and her vibrator in the other. She asks her father what HE is doing, to which he replies, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!" ____________________ I heard this joke on The Tonight Show told by Super Dave... Two women bring their dogs to a veterinarian's office. One woman owns a Great Dane and the other owns a poodle. The woman with the Great Dane asks the woman with the poodle, "What's wrong with your dog?" She replies, "I'm getting him fixed. Every time some- one comes to my house, he jumps on their back and tries to mate with them. He's constantly in heat!!" The other woman says, "Really? My dog has the same problem. Every time I bend over to pick something up, he jumps on my back." The woman with the poo- dle asks, "Oh! So you getting your dog fixed too?" The woman with the Great Dane replies, "No! I'm getting his nails cut!" One- liners ______________________________________________________________________ Oneliners ______________________________________________________________________ Oneliners If you had 10 cents and only five minutes to live, what would you buy? A roll of Life Savers. ____________________ Most London police don't carry guns or clubs, only whistles. So when they chase a crook, they have to say, "Stop, or I'll toot!" ____________________ Q: Anybody know why Rock Hudson couldn't get car insurance ? A: Cause he'd been rear ended too many times. ____________________ Your brain is Soooo Small (how small is it?).. That if you put it on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a pea rolling down a 4 lane highway. Definitely *not* seen on the streets in Tehran: "A friend of mine went to Tehran and all I got was this lousy death shroud". ____________________ Know the most effective form of birth control for those over 40? Nudity. ____________________ Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: Because 7 8 9. ____________________ What do homosexuals call hemoraids? Speed bumps. Q: What's the best thing that comes out of Texas? A: I-35 Q: What do you call a man that mixes morter with a pitchfork? A: A morter forker. ____________________ Did ya hear about the three gay judges who tried each other? How about the plastic surgeon who hung himself? ____________________ If your foot crosses the base line when you are serving it is called "foot fault." Well if you slip and fall on the base line while you are serving, is it called "asphalt?" ____________________ "If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with a light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?" ____________________ Never go to a brain surgeon who cuts himself shaving Ever wonder what God's resume looks like? "Self employed for Seven Thousand Years...." My car is sooo slow. I was on the freeway today and I was passed by a biker gang on mopeds. He's the kinda guy that picks up a hooker and pays her $20 to blow his mind. What kind of sexist network is this?? Why is there a 'man' command and no ____________________ Q) What is the definition of "Male Chauvinist Pig?" A) A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own. ____________________ Seen on a foxy lady's tee-shirt: As the Hurricane said to the Palm Tree, "Hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't no ordinary blow job!" ____________________ Give to the Obese Student College Fund: A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ____________________ Q: When cavemen would whack women over the head with a club, why did they drag them back to the cave by the hair? A: Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill up with rocks. ____________________ What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the zebra.... Ok, OK, so its dumb. ____________________ What's the difference between an English football (soccer) match and the Ayatollah's funeral? They serve beer at the football match ____________________ "American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's **cking close to water." ____________________ Why don't blind people go skydiving? Scares the hell out of the dogs. ____________________ What's the title of Rob Lowe's next movie? _Close Encounters of the Third Grade_ What do Rob Lowe and black lung disease have in common? They can both be found in miners (minors). Q: Who does Rob Lowe most want to work with? A: Drew Barrymore. What is Rob Lowe's favorite TV show? "Eight is Enough" ____________________ Q: Did you hear about the newlyweds who mistook Vaseline for window putty? A: All their windows fell out. ____________________ Cheers line: Sam: "How's life treating you, Normie?" Norm: "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." ____________________ If your foot crosses the base line when you are serving it is called "foot fault." Well if you slip and fall on the base line while you are serving, is it called "asphalt?" ____________________ Our favorite was : "Take me down to the Martian city Where the girls are green and the grass is pretty..." ____________________ Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1? Because they had just finished a 31 day March. ____________________ In joke for folks in the Bay Area: What does four years of paying tuition and a degree from Stanford get you? A reserved spot in Peoples' Park. ____________________ After all is said and done, more is said than done ____________________ Did you hear there is a new drink for newlyweds just out?? Its called the Honeymoon Cocktail. Ingredients: 7-up and Cider. (say it fast) Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour? A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size. ____________________ Muzakognition: The realization 10 minutes later that a tune was supposed to be smoke on the water. ____________________ Q: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? A: Anyone can mash potatoes. Ethnic Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Ethnic Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Ethnic Jokes There were these two blacks walking down a downtown street. They came to a store that had a big sign out front say- ing "For only 99 cents become white for the rest of your life." They looked at each other and decided to go for it. One of them had $1.00 and the other only had 98 cents. The one with the dol- lar said, "Look, I'll go first with my $1.00. When I get done, I'll give you my extra penny and you can go then." The other said, "OK." So, the first one went in and in a little while came out white. The other was so excited he started jumping up and down and saying, "Come on man. Give me my penny so I can go get white!" The first one looked at him and said, "F**k off, you nigger!" ____________________ Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all black class. Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class; "Every Thursday afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you get the answer correct the entire class can have Friday off." The class murmers with excitement. "OK, class", she announces, "How many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?". The class murmbers in dissapointment as they look to each other for help. "Ok, class, see you tomorrow", announces the teacher. Later the next week. "OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many gallens of water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach. And again the class murmers in disappointment. Well, there is little Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of the next rolls around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks into his fathers shop to spray paint them black. As test time rolls around the teacher says; "time for our little weekly quiz, children". At which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket and rolls them toward the front of the class. "OK, who is the comedian with the black balls?" shouts the teacher. "Bill Cosby. See Ya on Mon- day", retorts Gregory In a slow going train, sat the two guys in waiting for the jouney to finish, a yellow skinned chinese and a jew. Some time passed and the jew rose up and slapped the chinese on his face. "Hey, that's exaggeration I would say!!" protested the chinese. "Why did you do that, god dammit ?!" And the jew responded: "That was for Pearl Harbour." "But what are you talk- ing about? Pearl harbour was attacked by the Japs, and I am from China." And the answer: "Chinese, Japanese, all the same..." Four minutes silently passed, and the Chinese rose up and kicked the jew in the ribs. The jew was more than surprised and asked: "And that, what's that for?" "That was for the Titanic." "Well, surprise, isn't it?" The jew asks astounded. "But the Titanic was hit by an iceberg, why am I to blame?" "The chinese thinks a moment and says, "Iceberg, Rosenberg, all the same..." ____________________ Q: What would "Toys 'R' Us" be called if it were run by blacks? A: "We Be Toys 'N' Shit!" One spring a very well to do, uppity white mom decided she would throw a beautiful high school gradua- tion party for her daughter and her daughter's friends. Of course, the daughter attended an all girl's school, so mom wanted to get some fine young gentlemen to be escorts at the party. She decided to call the nearby naval base to see if some young cadets would be willing to attend the party. She got in touch with a sergeant at the base and explained what she wanted. "And one last thing," she added. "Don't send any Mexicans, I don't want any Mexicans at this party. Do you understand?" The Sergeant told her yes, and not to worry. Finally the big evening arrived and mom was excited. At 7:30 sharp there came a knock on the door. "Ah, the gentlemen are right on time," she thought as she opened the door. Standing at the door was a young cadet, dressed very handsomely in his uniform, with about 25 cadets behind him. All were black. Horrified, the mother shut the door and ran to the phone. She dialed the base again and reached a private on the other end. "I want to speak to the Sergeant who sent all these black people to my daughter's graduation party!" she screamed. "He's not here, ma'am, may I be of some help?" replied the private. "Well," she gasped, "There has been a horrible mistake! I asked for some young men to act as escorts at my daughter's party, and that sergeant sent black people!" "Oh, no, ma'am," said the private, "I'm sure everything is in order. Sergeant Ro- driguez never makes mistakes!" Russian Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Russian Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Russian Jokes A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot! Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the judge decided on his sen- tence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for in- sulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!! ____________________ An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district, and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season, comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excel- lent," exclaimed the farmer, "our potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't any potatoes, either." ____________________ "In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news." I guess it makes more sense in russian. Pravda is truth, and Isves- tia is news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia. ____________________ Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Pro- paganda) was out in the field, taking "the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the fundamentals of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department was out talking to a farmer in Siberia... So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand? (confused) Nyet... OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see? (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good! And if a comrade has two trac- tors, ve take one of his tractors and give to man who has no tractors. Da? (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good! And if a com- rade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no cheekens. Da? F: Nyet! Iz not good! Vy iz not good? (Despondent- ly) I have two cheekens... ____________________ A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rab- bits, running just as fast as they can, come from one street. Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?" Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!" Badger: "But you're rabbits!" Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!" ____________________ Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth. Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty. ____________________ A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in a sentence. She said "My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are all communists". A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word "capitalist" in a sentence. She said: "My cat had a litter of kittens and now they are capitalists". The teacher was shocked and asked what had happened to the kit- tens. The little girl responded: "Well, they have opened their eyes now!" One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says "Oh no, 50 - 50". ____________________ A joke popular in the CCCP (USSR): A couple had finally saved enough money to buy a car. When they had paid for it, they asked the clerk when they might take delivery. "In two years, on May 22nd," he replied. The couple then asked him what time of day it would be delivered. The clerk looked at them with surprise and asked, "Why would you possibly want to know that?" "Because the plumber is coming in the morning." ____________________ Under capitalism man exploits man. Under communism, its just the opposite. ____________________ In the West, the future is always changing. In the Soviet Union, the future remains the same. Its the past that's always chang- ing. ____________________ Both the Soviet Union and the United States have freedom of speech. The only difference is that the United States has freedom after speech. David Letterman's Top Ten List ______________________________________________________________________ David Letterman's Top Ten ______________________________________________________________________ David Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Interesting Facts About the New Ayatollah (Late Night With David Letterman, June 6, 1989) 10. Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the beach. 9. Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller to Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo. 8. Real name is Keith Johnson. 7. Loves "The Satanic Verses." 6. Promises to make ugly guys wear veils too. 5. Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the early 50's. 4. Bats right. Throws right. 3. Was a New York City cab driver: 1977-1979. 2. Appears briefly -- clad only in a towel -- in Rob Lowe video. 1. Promises to carry on with "lunacy as usual." ____________________ Top Ten Things Overheard at Bush's 65th Birthday Party (Late Night With David Letterman - June 13, 1989) 10. Hey -- how old are these jellybeans? 9. More malt liquor, Mrs. Bush? 8. Look at all these gifts. I feel like Jim Wright. 7. They could use more hors doeuvres on the far side of the room, Mr. Dukakis. 6. Alright! The hookers are here! 5. Just what I wanted, another Batman tee-shirt. 4. It does look like Rob Lowe. Freeze-frame it for a second. 3. Did Queen Elizabeth send her usual carton of Luckys? 2. This gift has a special meaning to me, Mr. Quayle, because you colored it yourself. 1. China, shmina! Let's party! ____________________ Top Ten Lines From Star Trek V (Late Night With David Letterman, June 23, 1989) Captain, there's a horrible life form on your head! Oh sorry, its your hairpiece! Surprise, those aren't Dilethium crystals - they're Folgers crystals. Damm it Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very good actor. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls the Captain's log. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe. Geez, I'm sick of you guys! It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from EARTH to TRUMP. Oh yeah! Well, beam this up pal! What the hell is Don King doing here? Screw the Final Fron- tier! Let's go see BATMAN! ____________________ Top Ten Reasons Not to Suspend Pete Rose (Late Night With David Letterman, June 27, 1989) Really young gamblers need a role model. Ten million Pete Rose wigs already shipped to Hall of Fame gift shop. If suspended, might reveal identity of San Diego Chicken. He kept his promise to kid in hos- pital: "I'm putting 50 bucks on today's game for you, son." Might go play baseball in Japan and develop commercially viable superconductor during off-season which would increase Japan's ever- widening economic supremacy over the United States. He bet five grand that they would suspend him and will make 50 grand at 10 to 1 odds. No casino greeter jobs currently open. Baseball needs that professional wrestling pizazz of being fixed. How can you suspend OTBs "Man of the Year"? Betting slips, fingerprints, handwriting, telephone records, sworn depositions -- "Come on, let's see some real proof!" ____________________ David Letterman's Top 20 Catchy condom slogans 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 10. If you slip between the thighs, be sure to condomize 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While your undressing Venus, dress up that penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift-wrap your member 16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool: Vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection: check your erection 19. Wrap your foil before checking her oil 20. A crank in armor will never harm her ____________________ Top Ten Libyan MiG Pilot Excuses Just trying to signal americans that their seat belts were hang- ing out the door Believed that their new "Stealth Hats" made them invisible "We were going real fast, worse than the scariest car- nival ride." Always wanted to try the ejection seat Just trying to get closer look at hunky American pilots. Distracted by cloud shaped like head of Oprah Winfrey Trying to pour pepsi upside- down "Somtimes our hatred of Americans is so intense, we do real- ly stupid things." "Much better at hijacking planes than flying them." And the number one Libyan MiG pilot excuse: Thought a 'kinder, gentler nation' wouldn't blast the hell out of us. European Jokes Sports Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Sports Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Sports Jokes Frank was out playing eighteen holes with his wife. They were on the fourteenth hole when he drives a terrible hook shot off the course onto a nearby farm, behind the barn. After walking over to the farm, Frank notices that if he were to open the far door, he'd be in line to put it back on the green. He has his wife go to the far side of the barn to hold the door open for him. He pulls out his one-wood, and drives the ball square into his wife's forehead, killing her. The next year, Frank is out on the same course with his boss. His boss is on the four- teenth tee, and puts a terrible hook shot right behind the same barn. He goes over to size up the shot, and determines that he could hit it through the barn, if the far door were open. He tells Frank to go hold the door open for him. Frank says, "No, you don't want me to do that. I tried that shot last year, and I got a seven." ____________________ There are many golf jokes like this. My favorite is the one in which two buddies are out at the 7th tee. The first guy hits a tremendous drive and yells "FORE!" A player in the foursome ahead turns around at the sound of his voice and is struck in the forehead by the ball. The two golfers run to the prostrate body. They find the unfortunate man lying on his back with the ball em- beddded in his head, with blood everywhere. He is, of course, d-e-a-d. ``Oh my god,'' cries the man who hit the ball, ``what am I supposed to do now?'' ``Use your nine-iron,'' replied his friend. ____________________ The same guy was out another day playing a course paralleling a freeway. Well he hits a tremendous drive that starts to slice over the fence onto the freeway. It goes thru the windshield of a speeding ambulance and kills the driver, which causes the vehicle to cross the median strip and plow head on into a school bus full of kids on their way home from a ball game. All in all there are about 50 dead and injured and quite a bit of property damage. The golfer is watching all this as a police car comes right across the fairway to slide to a stop in front of him. The enraged pol- iceman confronts him with "Do you see what you've done?" the golfer replies in a small voice "Yes, I do." "Well, what are you going to do about it?" said the cop. "Well, I'm going to try turning my hand over a little more." ____________________ Three baseball greats were having a beer in a bar. An attractive woman walked in and Wade Boggs said, "I wonder if she's alone?" Steve Garvey warned, "Be careful, she's carrying my child!" Pete Rose finally piped up and said, "Wanna Bet?" Lone Ranger Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Lone Ranger Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Lone Ranger Jokes One particualrly hot day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto pull into a bar to cool off, parking their horses outside. While the famous duo sit at the bar, a cowboy comes in and says "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger re- plies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well, It's lookin' mighty warm. In fact, I looks like it'll keel over any minute". Quickly Tonto says to his boss, "Keemosoby, do not fear. I will cool Silver myself. I will run in circles around him as fast as the wind, and the breeze will cool him." The Lone Ranger thought for a minute, "OK Tonto. If you think it will work..." So out goes our feerless sidekick to cool the horse. A little while later, anoth- er cowboy comes into the bar and says, "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger replies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well you left your injun runnin'!" ____________________ Lone ranger and Tonto were travelling down the prairies(sp?) one day. All of a sudden Tonto yelled "Halt Lone ranger" and proceed- ed to jump off his horse. Tonto put his ear to the ground and said "Lone Ranger, buffalo come!" "How can you tell", Lone ranger asked. "Ear Sticky" Tonto replied. ____________________ Tonto and the lone ranger were out riding on the prairie. They stopped to take a break; the lone ranger went behind some mesquite to take a leak and was promptly bitten on his penis by a rattle snake. In panic, the lone ranger went to Tonto and said "Tonto, help me!" "HMMMH kemo sabe, what can I do?" asked Tonto. "Do you remember when you got bitten by a rattler (on the leg),and I sucked the poison out with my mouth? Well if you don't suck the poison out of where I got bitten, I may die!" "Hmmmm kemo sabe," replied Tonto, "I think you are going to die!" ____________________ Well we've all heard about the time the Lone Ranger and Tonto were surrounded by the entire Sioux nation, and the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Tonto, we're surrounded! What do we do now?" to which Tonto replies "What's this WE shit, paleface!" Well The Lone Ranger was scalped, and Tonto was on his own. He decided to move to New York. While standing at the bus stop one day he no- ticed a beautiful woman wearing a button with the letters N.O.A. Tonto asks "Excuse me whatum letters mean?" The woman replies "They stand for Nymphomaniacs of America." Tonto taken aback says "Do `phomaniacs haveum pow wow?" The woman replies "Yes we have meetings, I'm going to one now." Tonto says "Whatum `phomaniacs do at meetings?" The woman replies "Well we have discussions on sexual practices, techniques and share information. For instance we have found that Indians have big dicks, however Jewish men can screw for a longer period of time." Tonto replies "This very in- teresting. Miss, what is your name?" The woman say "My name is Cindy Parker, and what is your name?" Tonto boldly throws out his chest and says "Me name Tonto Goldstein!" Rhymes and Limmericks ______________________________________________________________________ Rhymes and Limmericks ______________________________________________________________________ Rhymes and Limmericks ____________________ When horny, Hashemi Rafsanjani Has no use for an Anderson Loni; His secret wet dreams Are filled with the screams Of his favorite Osmond -- that's Donny. ____________________ Hey diddle diddle The cat and the fiddle Were both in the middle Of watching Jack Horner piddle IS ENGLISH THE HARDEST LANGUAGE OF ALL? I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough. Others may stumble, but not you On hiccough, thorough, laugh, and through. And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword. Well done! And now if you wish, perhaps To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead-- For goodness sake don't call it deed. Watch out for meat and great and threat, They rhyme with suite and straight and debt. A moth is not a moth in mother, Nor both in bother, broth in brother. And here is not a match for there, And dear and fear for bear and pear. And then there's dose and rose and lose-- Just look them up--and goose and choose, And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Man alive! I'd mastered it when I was five. ____________________ Bats are creepy. Bats are scary. Bats do not seem sanitary. Bats in dismal caves keep cozy. Bats remind us of Lugosi. Bats of darkness unafraid are. Bats are careful. Bats use radar. Bats at nighttime at their best are. Bats by Batman unimpressed are. ____________________ And now a verse from Ogden Nash's "Ode to the Four Letter Words" When in calling, plain speaking is out; When the ladies (God bless'em) are milling about, You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss It's only in Shakespeare that characters ----. ____________________ In the Garden of Eden everyone knows, Adam and Eve wore no clothes. In the Garden of Eden there were two leaves, One covered Adam and one covered Eve. As the story goes needless to say, Along came a wind and blew them away. And at this sight Adam did stare, For Eves treasure was covered with hair. Eve stared eagerly with bright brown eyes, For Adams dick began to rise. Adam got to Eve, and to his surprise, Eves legs were spread from thigh to thigh. Thrills and thrills filled Adams soul, As he put his dick into Eves hole. Backward and forward his dick went in, Until Eves hole was wet within. Eve didn't scream, but with fright, For Adam was doing everything right. After awhile Eve let loose, For Adam's dick was out of juice. And so through the ages, people did screw, And now it's time for me and you. So pull down your pants and lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood for a piece of your ass. ____________________ In days of old, When Knights were bold and toliets weren't invented They left their load upon the road and walked away contented ____________________ True Story by Shel Silverstein This morning I jump on my horse, and went out for a ride Some wild outlaws chased me, and they shot me in the side So I crawled into a wildcat's cave, to find a place to hide But some pirates found me sleeping there and soon they had me tied So I said I'd be back Wednesday, but I must admit I lied And I run away into the swamp, but I forgot my guide And I stepped into some quicksand and no matter how I tried I couldn't get out until I met a crocodile named Clyde Who took me to some cannibals, who planned to have me fried But an eagle came and swooped me up and through the air we flied Then he dropped me in a boiling lake a thousand miles wide And do you know what happened then? ... I died. Computer Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Computer Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Computer Jokes Dai Ode, the welsh policeman was busy. Spike vol- tage had escaped from the cells and was currently resisting arrest. Someone had left the gate open and he had escaped through the drain. Dai Ode was confident that he would soon run Spike to the ground. Various sources had informed him that Spike had taken a short cut to the bus terminal in a desperate bid to get 'ome. His line of enquiry involved following Spike's tracks and using his fetish for apples and chips. With a bit of luck he'll swallow a core and choke said Dai. That should increase the capacity of the cells. ____________________ Riddle: (Phhhttt.) How is a blotter like a lazy dog? A blotter is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. And a slow pup is a lazy dog. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Umm. ____________________ Q. How many IBM mainframes does it take to shift left once? A. 33. Thirty two to hold all the bits down, and one to push the register over. ____________________ How many IBM mainframes does it take to execute an instruction? Four to hold it down, and one to beat it over the head until it's a bloody pulp. Hey, so what. It knew the RISCs. ____________________ I was talking with a computer programer one day. We got on the subject of families so he brought out his wollet and showed off his family pictures. He started "This is Kid_girl_1 this is Kid_girl_2, Kid_boy_1. This is my dog, Dog_1 and my cat Cat_1......" I interupted him and said " why does your family have such wierd names ?" "Meaningful identifiers" he answered. ____________________ Let's say your car gets a tremendous hole in the door. If you weld a piece of scrap metal over the hole -- that's a patch. If you tape a piece of paper over the hole -- that's a kludge. But, if you leave the hole there and label it "air conditioning" -- Now *thats* programming. ____________________ Q: What kind of interfaces do the computers at Old McDonald's have? A: EIA I/O Which reminds me about the fellow who loved Unix and was pretty good at it. So good, in fact, that he was promoted about a year after he joined the company. He did well in management, and climbed the ladder steadily, until, after about 10 years, he was the president of the company. One day, Jim, a Unix programmer who had joined the company about the same time as the president was visiting him in his large, well-furnished office. Jim entered without knocking, and was surprised to find the president with his head in his hands, discouraged. After some conversation, the president admitted that he'd give almost anything to go back to the lab and be a Unix hacker again. His friend, inspired, said "Well, why don't you? You can go back to the lab if you want to!." The president looked up and said, "I'm surprised at you, Jim. Haven't you learned yet that there can be no return from a successful exec?" (type "$ man 2 exec" in sh mode to understand this one) ____________________ Defn. FIG NEWTON The unit of force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per second. ____________________ IBM, UBM, We all BM For IBM Random Humor Did it print the page number? Did it work at all? Is this on it's own page or what? Do you know? Do I know? Do you want to know, or, for that matter, do you want to know? Should I play xtrek tonight? I say, yes. XTREK. Not just a game, it's a way of life. XTREK Wowzers. That is big. yes? ______________________________________________________________________ Lone Ranger Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Lone Ranger Jokes One particualrly hot day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto pull into a bar to cool off, parking their horses outside. While the famous duo sit at the bar, a cowboy comes in and says "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger re- plies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well, It's lookin' mighty warm. In fact, I looks like it'll keel over any minute". Quickly Tonto says to his boss, "Keemosoby, do not fear. I will cool Silver myself. I will run in circles around him as fast as the wind, and the breeze will cool him." The Lone Ranger thought for a minute, "OK Tonto. If you think it will work..." So out goes our feerless sidekick to cool the horse. A little while later, anoth- er cowboy comes into the bar and says, "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger replies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well you left your injun runnin'!" ____________________ Lone ranger and Tonto were travelling down the prairies(sp?) one day. All of a sudden Tonto yelled "Halt Lone ranger" and proceed- ed to jump off his horse. Tonto put his ear to the ground and said "Lone Ranger, buffalo come!" "How can you tell", Lone ranger asked. "Ear Sticky" Tonto replied. ____________________ Tonto and the lone ranger were out riding on the prairie. They stopped to take a break; the lone ranger went behind some mesquite to take a leak and was promptly bitten on his penis by a rattle snake. In panic, the lone ranger went to Tonto and said "Tonto, help me!" "HMMMH kemo sabe, what can I do?" asked Tonto. "Do you remember when you got bitten by a rattler (on the leg),and I sucked the poison out with my mouth? Well if you don't suck the poison out of where I got bitten, I may die!" "Hmmmm kemo sabe," replied Tonto, "I think you are going to die!" ____________________ Well we've all heard about the time the Lone Ranger and Tonto were surrounded by the entire Sioux nation, and the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Tonto, we're surrounded! What do we do now?" to which Tonto replies "What's this WE shit, paleface!" Well The Lone Ranger was scalped, and Tonto was on his own. He decided to move to New York. While standing at the bus stop one day he no- ticed a beautiful woman wearing a button with the letters N.O.A. Tonto asks "Excuse me whatum letters mean?" The woman replies "They stand for Nymphomaniacs of America." Tonto taken aback says "Do `phomaniacs haveum pow wow?" The woman replies "Yes we have meetings, I'm going to one now." Tonto says "Whatum `phomaniacs do at meetings?" The woman replies "Well we have discussions on sexual practices, techniques and share information. For instance we have found that Indians have big dicks, however Jewish men can screw for a longer period of time." Tonto replies "This very in- teresting. Miss, what is your name?" The woman say "My name is Cindy Parker, and what is your name?" Tonto boldly throws out his chest and says "Me name Tonto Goldstein!" ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes George Bush fell into a deep sleep, much like the sleep Rip Van Winkle experienced (No, this is not a Dan Quayle joke). When he woke up 25 years later, he saw his old friend James Baker. George asked how the U.S. was. "Well," James Baker replied, "We have a 1.2% unemployment rate, a budget surplus, a booming economy, and a healthly savings and loan association." "Gee," said George, "then how much does a cup of coffee cost?" "Only a hundred yen." ____________________ ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Political Jokes "Dick Nixon. Before he Dicks You!" DON'T CHANGE DICKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCREW, VOTE FOR NIXON IN '72!! Seen on a bumper sticker in 1972 (Nixon/McGovern election year): "McGOVERN CAN'T LICK OUR DICKY" ____________________ 1) Young Dan Quayle was quite a ladies man back in the days he was cutting classes in college. His favorite opening line was: "Hey baby, can my father buy you a drink?" 2) Have you seen the new movie about Dan Quayle's war experi- ence??? it's called "Full Dinner Jacket".... 3) What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda??? Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.... 4) What did Marilyn Quayle say to Dan the morning after the wed- ding??? "You're no Jack Kennedy".... 5) Why did the chicken cross the road??? To join the National Guard.... 6) What is Dan Quayle's favorite war song??? "Over Here"... 7) Did you hear about the Dan Quayle night at the comedy club??? If your parents call ahead, you get in free.... 8) Have you heard the latest Secret Service directive??? If George Bush gets shot, shoot Dan Quayle... 9) Did you see the TV documentary on Dan Quayle's military career??? It's called "Thirty Seconds Over Indianapolis"... 10) Have you heard about the Dan Quayle Savings Bond??? There's no Interest and no Maturity Q: What is George Bush's idea of a dream date with American public opinion? A retarded black juvenile out on furlough from a Massachusetts state prison for drug charges who breaks into a suburban white family's home, rapes the wife, beats the husband (a veteran), and then on the way out burns the family's American Flag. ____________________ Q: Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House? A: Because they chase the Quayles and piss on the Bushes... ______________________________________________________________________ Sports Jokes ______________________________________________________________________ Sports Jokes Frank was out playing eighteen holes with his wife. They were on the fourteenth hole when he drives a terrible hook shot off the course onto a nearby farm, behind the barn. After walking over to the farm, Frank notices that if he were to open the far door, he'd be in line to put it back on the green. He has his wife go to the far side of the barn to hold the door open for him. He pulls out his one-wood, and drives the ball square into his wife's forehead, killing her. The next year, Frank is out on the same course with his boss. His boss is on the four- teenth tee, and puts a terrible hook shot right behind the same barn. He goes over to size up the shot, and determines that he could hit it through the barn, if the far door were open. He tells Frank to go hold the door open for him. Frank says, "No, you don't want me to do that. I tried that shot last year, and I got a seven." ____________________ There are many golf jokes like this. My favorite is the one in which two buddies are out at the 7th tee. The first guy hits a tremendous drive and yells "FORE!" A player in the foursome ahead turns around at the sound of his voice and is struck in the forehead by the ball. The two golfers run to the prostrate body. They find the unfortunate man lying on his back with the ball em- beddded in his head, with blood everywhere. He is, of course, d-e-a-d. ``Oh my god,'' cries the man who hit the ball, ``what am I supposed to do now?'' ``Use your nine-iron,'' replied his friend. ____________________ The same guy was out another day playing a course paralleling a freeway. Well he hits a tremendous drive that starts to slice over the fence onto the freeway. It goes thru the windshield of a speeding ambulance and kills the driver, which causes the vehicle to cross the median strip and plow head on into a school bus full of kids on their way home from a ball game. All in all there are about 50 dead and injured and quite a bit of property damage. The golfer is watching all this as a police car comes right across the fairway to slide to a stop in front of him. The enraged pol- iceman confronts him with "Do you see what you've done?" the golfer replies in a small voice "Yes, I do." "Well, what are you going to do about it?" said the cop. "Well, I'm going to try turning my hand over a little more." ____________________ Three baseball greats were having a beer in a bar. An attractive woman walked in and Wade Boggs said, "I wonder if she's alone?" Steve Garvey warned, "Be careful, she's carrying my child!" Pete Rose finally piped up and said, "Wanna Bet?" Let's see a table of contents please